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331

  • Posted by: Captivekink
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Miisa Karlsson wrote:

"Anyway, I would somehow be fascinated by the idea of "publicity."
A few years ago there was a speech that I could visit BoundCon in Germany, for example.
It was thought out and planned but that time it was found to be too difficult to organize ... maybe sometime in the future, who knows."

In fact, my friend JG-Leathers then suggested that I visit the BondCon event.
He had an idea where I would have a long leather cloak like a burgha etc. Face covered and gagged. My restraints are hidden under the cloak. A collar with at least two steel straps / chains, two escorts that would protect me all the time.

It was a great plan ...

If I may a suggsstion. John is right that Boundcon is an event where you would not stand out against a crowd, even with your restrictions. However, Boundcon is a VERY busy event and you may find the crowds to be quite oppresive and your escorts may have difficulty in providing you with a safe space. The event is also becoming very shibari orientated, tending to move away from the alternative bondage methods employed on yourself. 

There is another, similar event held near Frankfurt in Wallau (close to Wiesbaden) called BoFeWo (Bondage Fetish World). It is a smaller event than Boundcon in terms of attendance but offers a wider variety in terms of what to see. It would almost certainly be far easier for your escorts to keep you safe from intrusion which would most likely help you enjoy the event more.

The event is traditionally held over the last weekend in September, although awaiting events to see if it would be possible for it to go ahead this year.  As you may know, Bounndcon was supposed to be taking place this weekend. It is the first time in over fifteen years that I have not been in Munich this weekend.

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332

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
  • From: Finland
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correcthorsebatterystaple wrote:

I have noticed that you often refer to being closely controlled, tethered and restricted as being protected and safe.

In the situation of being in public, such as BoundCon, what are your escorts protecting you from? Is it from others, or from some possibly unpredictable behaviour of your own?

It means both things.
I am a long-lived tightly controlled lives and it is the only way how I can move forward.

First of all, I am afraid of meeting people, because of my past, I do not trust strangers, new people. That's why I have to have escorts. And in order to feel their presence I have to have leash / chains. Only then  I can feel safe.
Basically, the same thing is with some dogs, for example ... when they are on a leash they are calmer (I don't compare myself to a dog in any other way).

Because I rarely have encounters with people, even I can’t know in advance how I will act in challenging situations. That is why it is good to be closely with the escorts.
Restraints, gags, etc. also tell the environment that I can’t be disturbed up close, nor touched.
Using a gag doesn’t mean I couldn’t talk to people in a suitable situation.
I don’t have restraints because I’m dangerous, they’re because that’s how I feel safe.

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333

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
  • From: Finland
  • Registered: 2018-04-11
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Captivekink wrote:

If I may a suggsstion. John is right that Boundcon is an event where you would not stand out against a crowd, even with your restrictions. However, Boundcon is a VERY busy event and you may find the crowds to be quite oppresive and your escorts may have difficulty in providing you with a safe space. The event is also becoming very shibari orientated, tending to move away from the alternative bondage methods employed on yourself. 

There is another, similar event held near Frankfurt in Wallau (close to Wiesbaden) called BoFeWo (Bondage Fetish World). It is a smaller event than Boundcon in terms of attendance but offers a wider variety in terms of what to see. It would almost certainly be far easier for your escorts to keep you safe from intrusion which would most likely help you enjoy the event more.

The event is traditionally held over the last weekend in September, although awaiting events to see if it would be possible for it to go ahead this year.  As you may know, Bounndcon was supposed to be taking place this weekend. It is the first time in over fifteen years that I have not been in Munich this weekend.

We talked about the BoundCon event a few years ago, maybe even four years ago.
That was when the issue came up and was carefully considered. However, the Committee did not find a way to do that then.
All travel etc is difficult for me. The Committee does not want publicity and my rules do not allow me to travel like normal people.

I know that some members of the Committee visit there (BoundCon) regularly and also at some similar events.
The event you mentioned was brand new to me. It would be interesting to know more about it ...

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334

  • Posted by: correcthorsebatterystaple
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Miisa Karlsson wrote:

It means both things.
I am a long-lived tightly controlled lives and it is the only way how I can move forward.

First of all, I am afraid of meeting people, because of my past, I do not trust strangers, new people. That's why I have to have escorts. And in order to feel their presence I have to have leash / chains. Only then  I can feel safe.
Basically, the same thing is with some dogs, for example ... when they are on a leash they are calmer (I don't compare myself to a dog in any other way).

Because I rarely have encounters with people, even I can’t know in advance how I will act in challenging situations. That is why it is good to be closely with the escorts.
Restraints, gags, etc. also tell the environment that I can’t be disturbed up close, nor touched.
Using a gag doesn’t mean I couldn’t talk to people in a suitable situation.
I don’t have restraints because I’m dangerous, they’re because that’s how I feel safe.

Thank you for explaining. I have never believed that you are dangerous :-)

I had never thought about it before but, knowing how being tethered with chains and tightly restricted helps to calm your mind in situations where you are anxious, and being outside your prison is so alien to you now, it makes sense that it would be extremely difficult to stay calm in public without constantly feeling the presence of your chained existence. None of us really knows how we might react if we panic, so I can see how your restrictions also reassure you that, even if you were to do something unpredictable it can be immediately and firmly controlled. I also know that to feel safe and happy you need to feel that you are a tightly controlled prisoner every minute of every day and that escape is impossible, so any visit outside of your prison is a very big deal and needs lots of planning and precautions to make you able to move forward. All of these things make the idea of being gagged, chained and tethered to escorts while in public totally logical. Thank you for helping me understand this.

I can also imagine that, behind all of the fear of being in public must also lie the idea that people who do not understand your choices might try to "rescue" you and tear you away from the prisoner life that is so important to you. That must be quite terrifying, and surely reinforces the feeling that you are safest of all when hidden away inside your prison. Would you agree?

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335

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
  • From: Finland
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correcthorsebatterystaple wrote:

Thank you for explaining. I have never believed that you are dangerous 

I had never thought about it before but, knowing how being tethered with chains and tightly restricted helps to calm your mind in situations where you are anxious, and being outside your prison is so alien to you now, it makes sense that it would be extremely difficult to stay calm in public without constantly feeling the presence of your chained existence. None of us really knows how we might react if we panic, so I can see how your restrictions also reassure you that, even if you were to do something unpredictable it can be immediately and firmly controlled. I also know that to feel safe and happy you need to feel that you are a tightly controlled prisoner every minute of every day and that escape is impossible, so any visit outside of your prison is a very big deal and needs lots of planning and precautions to make you able to move forward. All of these things make the idea of being gagged, chained and tethered to escorts while in public totally logical. Thank you for helping me understand this.

I can also imagine that, behind all of the fear of being in public must also lie the idea that people who do not understand your choices might try to "rescue" you and tear you away from the prisoner life that is so important to you. That must be quite terrifying, and surely reinforces the feeling that you are safest of all when hidden away inside your prison. Would you agree?

You have understood me very well!

I have encountered a number of situations in which people "are trying to save 'me to a better life. Or worse, some want to “make me healthier”.
There are also people who want to control me, to realize their own fantasies.
I often get messages saying they have a better prison for me.
It's a bit scary, although I know that I'm safe here. Especially inside here.

Therefore, it is difficult to explain why I dream that I can rarely, under strict control and protection, see the outside world more than just through the web.

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336

  • Posted by: correcthorsebatterystaple
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Miisa Karlsson wrote:

You have understood me very well!

I have encountered a number of situations in which people "are trying to save 'me to a better life. Or worse, some want to “make me healthier”.
There are also people who want to control me, to realize their own fantasies.
I often get messages saying they have a better prison for me.
It's a bit scary, although I know that I'm safe here. Especially inside here.

Therefore, it is difficult to explain why I dream that I can rarely, under strict control and protection, see the outside world more than just through the web.

I don't know why people would waste their time trying to tempt you away. Your Committee has spent so many years building this life for you, it would be foolish to think somebody else could provide a better prison and better care. You are where you belong, and anyway you have no control over where you are imprisoned. The way you live is entirely decided by your Committee, and you are clearly finding satisfaction in adapting to the new challenges they create for you. I don't think they would ever consider giving you up to others. Do you?

If I understand your dream of very rarely going outside under strict control and protection, I would think that it provides two emotional benefits:
1. Although it is scary to go outside it can be a little bit exciting, if everything is well prepared so you know you remain a tightly controlled prisoner with no possibility of escape. It is different, and that can be stimulating even if it is difficult.
2. The unpredictability of the outside world must reinforce the safety and calm of your prison and your routines, which I imagine feel very welcoming when you return to them. This boosts your long-term satisfaction with your prisoner life, which creates the conditions to go deeper toward the goals the Committee set for you.

Seems all good to me and very sensible.

Last edited by correcthorsebatterystaple (2020-05-25 18:51:13)

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337

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
  • From: Finland
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correcthorsebatterystaple wrote:

I don't know why people would waste their time trying to tempt you away. Your Committee has spent so many years building this life for you, it would be foolish to think somebody else could provide a better prison and better care. You are where you belong, and anyway you have no control over where you are imprisoned. The way you live is entirely decided by your Committee, and you are clearly finding satisfaction in adapting to the new challenges they create for you. I don't think they would ever consider giving you up to others. Do you?

If I understand your dream of very rarely going outside under strict control and protection, I would think that it provides two emotional benefits:
1. Although it is scary to go outside it can be a little bit exciting, if everything is well prepared so you know you remain a tightly controlled prisoner with no possibility of escape. It is different, and that can be stimulating even if it is difficult.
2. The unpredictability of the outside world must reinforce the safety and calm of your prison and your routines, which I imagine feel very welcoming when you return to them. This boosts your long-term satisfaction with your prisoner life, which creates the conditions to go deeper toward the goals the Committee set for you.

Seems all good to me and very sensible.

Last edited by correcthorsebatterystaple (Today 18:51:13)

People think things from their own point of view.
My life makes some fantasies go up, they might want something similar for themselves and so getting me captured was an “easy solution”.
I have received huge cash offers that I would move under someone else's control, to another location. Some people have tried to buy membership in the Committee, etc.

It will not happen as long as the Committee exists.

You’re right again, I get the safety of the fact that everything in my life is carefully planned in advance.
I don’t have to worry about surprises in the basics. It's important to me.
Sure, small things and changes can happen but they keep my mind fresh.

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338

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
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  • Miisa Karlsson
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June...
I am glad that also here has become a summer, the weather is warm and sunny :)

Today I finally, years after, published the first part of Episode 6 of my "CaptiveGirl Lifestory".
Lifestory’s writing and events continue straight from where Part Five ended.
It can now be found in this forum. THE LIFE STORY OF CAPTIVEGIRL

I know it’s confusing that I publish my old writings, my today’s diary and now my Lifestory episode.
They all take place in a different era in my life and it can be confusing :)

I hope you can read everything, and if you have any questions, I'll try to answer and figure it out ...

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339

  • Posted by: Captivitysympathizer
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Miisa,
Thank you for reposting this historic account of your earlier life.
Your thoughts as you were prepared and then mummified with sensory deprivation is very good to read.
Your mistakes in writing in English language add authenticity to your story. Indeed, there is something sensual in reading your account because it is apparent that your struggles do not end with your struggle with bondage or even your perplexity at not being able to enjoy life like everyone else, but extend to the difficulty of explaining your thoughts in a language that is challenging.
   I look forward to the continuing historic account of how your situation has evolved to the present time.
   I also would enjoy reading an account of your everyday experiences. What did you do yesterday? What did you do 3 days ago? I you believe that repeating the same procedures would not be interesting, that is not so. Reading of your repeated experiences would help your readers to. Better identify and sympathize with your life calling.
When I read of your life there is a deep sympathy that I feel for you. I cannot explain why, but I find this sympathy to be inwardly pleasurable. It is not that I like to read of your suffering so much as I realize that you are suffering confinement that I perhaps should be suffering. I have empathy for you. I admire your accepting your situation while at the same time there is something within me that wants to rescue you, even if it is to bring you comfort or relief for a short time.
Thank you for your writing.

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340

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
  • From: Finland
  • Registered: 2018-04-11
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Captivitysympathizer wrote:

Miisa,
Thank you for reposting this historic account of your earlier life.
Your thoughts as you were prepared and then mummified with sensory deprivation is very good to read.
Your mistakes in writing in English language add authenticity to your story. Indeed, there is something sensual in reading your account because it is apparent that your struggles do not end with your struggle with bondage or even your perplexity at not being able to enjoy life like everyone else, but extend to the difficulty of explaining your thoughts in a language that is challenging.
   I look forward to the continuing historic account of how your situation has evolved to the present time.
   I also would enjoy reading an account of your everyday experiences. What did you do yesterday? What did you do 3 days ago? I you believe that repeating the same procedures would not be interesting, that is not so. Reading of your repeated experiences would help your readers to. Better identify and sympathize with your life calling.
When I read of your life there is a deep sympathy that I feel for you. I cannot explain why, but I find this sympathy to be inwardly pleasurable. It is not that I like to read of your suffering so much as I realize that you are suffering confinement that I perhaps should be suffering. I have empathy for you. I admire your accepting your situation while at the same time there is something within me that wants to rescue you, even if it is to bring you comfort or relief for a short time.
Thank you for your writing.

I want to say from my writing that it annoys me that it is so poor. I have no words and no skill to use them  :(  and I'm sorry stupid typing errors that I do.

This writing (LifeStory Part 6) has been written by me for many years.
The problem is that in my mind that day / weekend is the moment that finally changed the direction of my life.
I didn’t realize it then, from that moment a great journey began. At the time, I felt pampered and very lucky.
Only afterwards  I realize that everything was a big scam and a brainwashing for me. I was a game piece that played a big role in the big picture.
It still hurts me now, I can't understand how stupid I was ...

Telling this at this point may spoil storyline of my story but I want to say that telling about this is not easy for me.
I keep writing LifeStory, it also introduces a happy time although it ends sadly in time (and my naive foolishness), I hope someone can read it.

My daily diary ...
I think it’s a very boring read, my day has the same repetition constantly.
It's like Drew Barrymore's movie "50 First Dates." While that film is romantic comedy, its idea is that every day of that woman starts the same way, according to the same formula, and things don’t develop into anything. It’s a woman’s brain injury, I have this captivity.
But the main thing is that a woman lives a happy life with the people who take care of her ... and there is a happy ending to the film, that’s where the woman doesn’t change but the people around her get used to it.

I can write about my days but don't blame me if it's boring ...

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341

  • Posted by: Captivitysympathizer
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I do Understand your analogy to the Drew Barrymore movie. I saw the movie twice.
I would still like to read the account of your daily life over and over for an entire week.
I was not aware that you felt that you were ever used or manipulated.
Before reading part 6, I reread part 5. You almost died! You suffered greatly right before being mummified. In retrospect you entered the mummified state before recovering from a near death experience. Also, it seems that your attraction to Uri, your physical exhaustion, and your hormones may have altered your ability to assert yourself. Perhaps you also believed that your time eating light was an investment that you did not want to waste.
I am looking forward to the unfolding of the story of how you came to the situation you now are in.
There are people who commit terrible crimes who are not subjected to as much pain, confinement, humiliation and hopelessness as you.
Please continue writing.

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342

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
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Captivitysympathizer wrote:

I do Understand your analogy to the Drew Barrymore movie. I saw the movie twice.
I would still like to read the account of your daily life over and over for an entire week.
I was not aware that you felt that you were ever used or manipulated.
Before reading part 6, I reread part 5. You almost died! You suffered greatly right before being mummified. In retrospect you entered the mummified state before recovering from a near death experience. Also, it seems that your attraction to Uri, your physical exhaustion, and your hormones may have altered your ability to assert yourself. Perhaps you also believed that your time eating light was an investment that you did not want to waste.
I am looking forward to the unfolding of the story of how you came to the situation you now are in.
There are people who commit terrible crimes who are not subjected to as much pain, confinement, humiliation and hopelessness as you.
Please continue writing.

What happened in Part 5,  I was stupid  :)
Everyone knows that selfbondage can be dangerous if you don’t think about it and plan carefully.
In this case, I didn’t have a precise plan, I just had a strong desire and curiosity to do it. I was too excited.

Nowadays, I do not have the possibility to do stupid things, I'm safe.

I’m trying to get more writing in part 6 today.

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343

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
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  • Miisa Karlsson
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Today is Friday. The first week of June.
I feel like I slept well. I have adapted well to gag made by the dentist.
It’s far more pleasant than the ballgag I had before. It doesn’t force my mouth as open as a ball and it doesn’t have a strap around my neck, and especially no harness around my head.
It is almost similar to a dental support used to straighten teeth, or to prevent the jaws from biting together while sleeping.
:) they also prevent snoring but I don't think that's my problem ...

In any case, it is an almost normal tool that is also used by ordinary people. It feels good to me.

A tightly laced leather hood is not an ordinary person’s nightwear but for me it is.
It is justified because inside the cell there are always lights on, I would have a very hard time sleeping without a hood.
In addition, the tight, laced hood keeps my mouth closed, so the dental instrument stays in my mouth as it is designed.
in fact, I was given a new hood at the same time as that dental instrument.
Because the old ballgag forced my mouth more open, former hood had to be shaped differently for the chin.
Now the new hood follows my chin and keeps my mouth almost closed as if unnoticed, it’s not super-tight on the chin but it makes sure the instrument stays in place all night without any problems.
The worst situation would be that the instrument would come loose in my mouth and get stuck in my throat, thus preventing breathing. I don’t want it, it’s a scary thought.
I initially resisted this new arrangement, the idea seemed frightening but now I (again) I notice that the Committee thinks better than I do.

I also have new mittens for night use.
They are not particularly beautiful but it does not matter, I do not see them at night, of course because they are behind my back and I have a hood on ... :)
But they feel good, that’s the main thing.
They are padded leather, with a long wrist, a bit like boxing gloves, the inside has its own space for the thumb but otherwise the fingers are "free" inside the mitten. I can even move my fingers.
The wrist part is fastened with two buckles and there is space between them for irons. The thick wrist protects my wrists so that I don't even feel the cuffs. They are very comfortable to wear.

Yeah ... it's 10:15 AM here.
I have been on my desk for more than an hour. The working day is very calm, as I'm used during a pandemic.
I have taken care of my emails and doing some work done.
The new thing is that I take care of updating the web pages of some companies and communities and "building their web image". :)
I started this work because otherwise it was very quiet here. Very little of my normal editing work was needed.

But now that I’m writing more about my LifeStory, I’m trying to update it even today.

Good day to you all!

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344

  • Posted by: correcthorsebatterystaple
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Good day to you too, prisoner! Thank you for your small update on your sleeping accessories. Can you tell us a little more about the gag, how it is designed and how it works?

Also the idea came to me that the Committee deliberately choose leather for your sleeping accessories because it helps you to accept them due to your strong fetish for that material, which makes them more appealing. Do you think that might be true? Also it is practical of course, but other materials would equally be so. It is a nice touch!

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345

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
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correcthorsebatterystaple wrote:

Good day to you too, prisoner! Thank you for your small update on your sleeping accessories. Can you tell us a little more about the gag, how it is designed and how it works?

Also the idea came to me that the Committee deliberately choose leather for your sleeping accessories because it helps you to accept them due to your strong fetish for that material, which makes them more appealing. Do you think that might be true? Also it is practical of course, but other materials would equally be so. It is a nice touch!

That gag is very simple. It is made of plastic or some similar material.
When I was at the dentist, she took a mold from my teeth and mouth.
She made two versions of the gag for me, the other is the model I talked about today. It is easy to use and even comfortable in the mouth. It puts my chin and teeth in a restful position.
The second version is not so nice. It’s bigger, it forces my mouth open, mainly because there’s a hole between the teeth where you can even install a hose for forced feeding. It also presses the tongue down.
It is very unpleasant. It is designed for long-term use but I tried it only once, for a short time. I did not like!
The bigger gag is not meant to be used by me. It’s meant to be a scary example of what it could be ... so I think.
... Many things have been done to me over the years that aren’t even meant to be used, at least I hope so. People are creative in these things as well.

I’ve never thought about using leather from that point of view.
Leather is very durable and long lasting in continuous use, it is perhaps the main reason why it is also used in restrictive products.
In important use, of course, it can’t replace steel but it can be providing comfort in a way.
I can’t imagine what it would be like every night if I had to wear a hood made of some other material.
Leather "breathes" it's like another skin. I'm used to it ... and now that I have a new leather hood, I realize how much I love the smell of it!

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  • Posted by: correcthorsebatterystaple
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It's just a guess by me, of course. I can't know what the Committee members are thinking. But other than caring for your every day needs and security, their primary role is behavior modification. They make changes that they think will help you become the prisoner they want you to be, then you learn to adapt to those changes. That's really the main purpose behind your current life, isn't it? It makes sense to use every tool they have at hand to make those changes stick, so using your fetish desires to help you change is totally logical. You can't ignore your leather fetish and it is a very powerful motivator. They want to motivate you as much as possible - to do otherwise is a waste of everyone's time. My question to you is, why would they NOT use it every chance they can?

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347

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
  • From: Finland
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correcthorsebatterystaple wrote:

It's just a guess by me, of course. I can't know what the Committee members are thinking. But other than caring for your every day needs and security, their primary role is behavior modification. They make changes that they think will help you become the prisoner they want you to be, then you learn to adapt to those changes. That's really the main purpose behind your current life, isn't it? It makes sense to use every tool they have at hand to make those changes stick, so using your fetish desires to help you change is totally logical. You can't ignore your leather fetish and it is a very powerful motivator. They want to motivate you as much as possible - to do otherwise is a waste of everyone's time. My question to you is, why would they NOT use it every chance they can?

You are right.
There are a few important main lines in my life.
Strict discipline, control, in a sense minimalism (I mean restricting the environment, property, doing and moving).
Those are the things that I've learned, and they sort of make me happy. I need boundaries to feel safe.

But besides, there are things I enjoy, one thing is leather, meaning clothes and fashion as well. I follow fashion very closely even though I can't get everything I want :)

One, the biggest thing in my life is sexual rewarding.
It is a very big thing and although it is also very limited, its effectiveness is enough to satisfy me for a long time.

It’s very hard to explain these things but all of these together make me happy for the most of the time.

And yes, the Committee will use all means to motivate me. I think so.

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348

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
  • From: Finland
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I have updated the short parts of my life story writing.
Not much happens in them but it is important for me to tell things accurately.

It’s been a lot of time since what happened, it’s challenging to remember things closely but at the same time it’s very rewarding.

Small things and states of mind made decisions that affected the rest of my life.

Thanks if anyone can read my posts :)

Wonderful weather outside!

I look forward to sniffing nature and feeling the sun again!

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349

  • Posted by: Captivitysympathizer
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Miisa,
It is great to read about how things were in 2015 and 2014.
Please let us know your present day monotony.

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350

  • Posted by: correcthorsebatterystaple
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Miisa Karlsson wrote:

I have updated the short parts of my life story writing.
Not much happens in them but it is important for me to tell things accurately.

I'm enjoying the continuation of your life story. You are writing about a very difficult part of your life, apparently. It seems hard to know who to trust, and you are also making some decisions that don't work out well for you. I can maybe understand better now, why it has taken you such a long time to move forward with this writing. But you're doing well, and it is interesting to read. Be brave, and keep going.

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351

  • Posted by: Captivitysympathizer
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Yes, please keep going. The decisions you made did set the stage for your life.
You made brave choices.

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352

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
  • From: Finland
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correcthorsebatterystaple wrote:

I'm enjoying the continuation of your life story. You are writing about a very difficult part of your life, apparently. It seems hard to know who to trust, and you are also making some decisions that don't work out well for you. I can maybe understand better now, why it has taken you such a long time to move forward with this writing. But you're doing well, and it is interesting to read. Be brave, and keep going.

Small things and coincidences influence decisions that have long, even final, consequences.
Somewhere in an inconspicuous place is the intersection where you can turn in the wrong direction. It may be that you only realize it after a very long time. Then it's too late.
If I can defend myself, I will state that I was very young and inexperienced that time.

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353

  • Posted by: correcthorsebatterystaple
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Miisa Karlsson wrote:

Small things and coincidences influence decisions that have long, even final, consequences.
Somewhere in an inconspicuous place is the intersection where you can turn in the wrong direction. It may be that you only realize it after a very long time. Then it's too late.
If I can defend myself, I will state that I was very young and inexperienced that time.

I don't know how much interest you have in psychology, but there are those who argue that choice is just an illusion. Not all, of course - some psychologists believe that freewill drives all our decisions, but mental illnesses such as OCD would suggest otherwise. Other psychologists believe in Determinism, which states choice is an illusion, that external and biological factors ultimately drive our decisions. But that is inconsistent with society's ideas of responsibility and self control. Perhaps the real answer lies somewhere in between. Maybe it is a subject that will arise in your discussions with the professor or his visiting student. You may find it interesting, if inconsequential, to hear their views on your lifestyle and the choices that brought you here.

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354

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
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correcthorsebatterystaple wrote:

I don't know how much interest you have in psychology, but there are those who argue that choice is just an illusion. Not all, of course - some psychologists believe that freewill drives all our decisions, but mental illnesses such as OCD would suggest otherwise. Other psychologists believe in Determinism, which states choice is an illusion, that external and biological factors ultimately drive our decisions. But that is inconsistent with society's ideas of responsibility and self control. Perhaps the real answer lies somewhere in between. Maybe it is a subject that will arise in your discussions with the professor or his visiting student. You may find it interesting, if inconsequential, to hear their views on your lifestyle and the choices that brought you here.

I meant this on a general level, in every person’s life.
For example, how did you first meet your husband / wife? Was it planned or a coincidence? what if you had chosen otherwise ... etc.
There are many intersections in life where decisions have to be made. Sometimes they are right, sometimes they are wrong ...

My current life is such that I make no more mistakes.
They can happen but the decision is made by someone other than me and I can’t influence it. It is liberating.

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  • Posted by: correcthorsebatterystaple
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Miisa Karlsson wrote:

I meant this on a general level, in every person’s life.
For example, how did you first meet your husband / wife? Was it planned or a coincidence? what if you had chosen otherwise ... etc.
There are many intersections in life where decisions have to be made. Sometimes they are right, sometimes they are wrong ...

My current life is such that I make no more mistakes.
They can happen but the decision is made by someone other than me and I can’t influence it. It is liberating.

Yes, I understand the freedom that comes from having all your choices taken away. It is funny that society places such importance on "freedom of choice" when the responsibility of choice can be a great burden for some and a cause of subsequent distress. Perhaps the ultimate and best choice you have made is to hand that power to someone else. I congratulate you.

My little meandering into psychology was merely to identify that the power of choice is perhaps not as much ours as we might imagine it to be, and that forgiving ourselves for bad choices becomes easier when we understand that.

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356

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
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correcthorsebatterystaple wrote:

Yes, I understand the freedom that comes from having all your choices taken away. It is funny that society places such importance on "freedom of choice" when the responsibility of choice can be a great burden for some and a cause of subsequent distress. Perhaps the ultimate and best choice you have made is to hand that power to someone else. I congratulate you.

My little meandering into psychology was merely to identify that the power of choice is perhaps not as much ours as we might imagine it to be, and that forgiving ourselves for bad choices becomes easier when we understand that.

An ordinary, normal person often has the opportunity to correct a situation if She / he finds that the choice is wrong.
Divorces, moving elsewhere, changing jobs and all that can mean that.
But what if you make definitively wrong choices that cannot be corrected without damaging yourself and outsiders? , this may be a difficult question at this point in my LifeStory writing but things get clearer when it becomes clear how deep into the web of lies and injustice I sink.

There are also people who do not know or want to decide things related to their lives.
For them, the way to survive is to submit completely to the will of someone else. Then Dom / sub relationships can arise, for example.
Unfortunately, narcissistic and sadistic predators are also looking for such submissive peoples. It can lead to sad stories. Of course, there are also happy endings.

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  • Posted by: correcthorsebatterystaple
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Miisa Karlsson wrote:

... things get clearer when it becomes clear how deep into the web of lies and injustice I sink.

I look forward to your continued writing, and to a clearer view of your path to becoming a permanent prisoner.

I agree with your comment about predators. The most dangerous creatures remain invisible until it is too late to escape.

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358

  • Posted by: Captivitysympathizer
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Ok Miisa.
Reading all the above I say to myself, “Is Miisa happy with the results of the choices she made years ago?”
I cannot know the truth.
Do you wake up and feel fulfilled?
Are you excited about your future of confinement?
“No” to either question means it is time to begin the 90 day period. If you worry that your captors will not honor the release, it is definitely time to get out.
If the answers are “yes”, you should feel fulfilled with your place.
Meanwhile, please keep writing about your history or anything else that you want to say.

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359

  • Posted by: Miisa Karlsson
  • prisoner
  • Miisa Karlsson
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Captivitysympathizer wrote:

Ok Miisa.
Reading all the above I say to myself, “Is Miisa happy with the results of the choices she made years ago?”
I cannot know the truth.
Do you wake up and feel fulfilled?
Are you excited about your future of confinement?
“No” to either question means it is time to begin the 90 day period. If you worry that your captors will not honor the release, it is definitely time to get out.
If the answers are “yes”, you should feel fulfilled with your place.
Meanwhile, please keep writing about your history or anything else that you want to say.

I’m not proud or happy about the things I’m telling you now in my LifeStory.
I thought at that moment I was wise and happy, even very lucky but it was an illusion.

But now, in this moment I am happy where I am now.
I wake up every day to the feeling that there is stability around me and I don’t have to fear the future.
It’s not exciting but it’s very safe, I like that feeling.

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  • Posted by: Captivitysympathizer
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Miisa,
Would it be appropriate for me to quiz you?
If I quiz you and you begin to question your position as a result, I may bring unhappiness to your station in life as you reach answers.
If I do not pose questions to you to force you to think I might be enabling you.
The problem with enabling someone is that they fail to grow.
I, too, love the freedom from responsibility when I enter bondage. I think the loss of control is a large motivator of people who enjoy bondage.
There is also excitement when I face bondage, but this excitement is due to the inherent sexual component of bondage. The evidence of the sexual nature of the excitement is that if the bondage is at the hands of a woman, (in my case, my wife) my excitement level is high. I am male and cisgender, meaning the same thing as I am heterosexual and male.
Shall we explore? I do not need to don prison garb or hear the door lock behind me to help you peer into your psyche.
    One more question: Do your captors monitor you’re discussions? If they do, do they use information from your correspondence to punish you or reward you? Do your captors (I hope “captors” is the correct word.) discuss anything you have written or received by you?
This post from me is complex. Please do take your time to go through it and answer the questions in the order asked.
——One more question: Do you have any psychology meetings scheduled?
I look forward to reading all your answers.

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