I am still ashamed of my behavior. It came as a complete surprise to me. I usually control myself very far, I don’t think I’m any kind of “drama queen”.

Things just went on like that. I was excited about the visitor after a long break.
Oddly enough, I was also excited to have a chair made just for me and my appointments, I wanted to be proud of it.

The member of the committee and the guards responded well to my outburst of emotion.
I was not punished and I had time to calm down. I also got to talk about it and explain why I was upset.

This also made me think about things.
I have to understand that I don’t own anything. All goods, instruments I use, or used for me are only temporary. They can be taken away or used elsewhere for the needs of others.
It’s actually a shocking observation but actually makes a lot of sense.

Why own something?
When you are born, you are naked, without anything. When you die,, you can't take anything with you ...
wow ... profound thoughts!

Here is a wonderful day, I can see from the window that the sky is blue and the sun is shining again!

I said there were no sanctions for my anger at my last visit. I was wrong. The committee considered the matter and decided to impose a ban on me for certain things to which I am accustomed.
The biggest one was the ban on using my Forum.

I was able to work normally and even read forums, email and social media but I wasn’t allowed to respond. Logging in to my Forum was forbidden.

I can tell you that last week was very long for me 

Thanks to those who wrote me an email. I was able to explain the situation to them, but I could not write it here in the diary.

I first got the impression that my outburst of a week ago wasn’t leading to any action, but I was wrong.
The committee had held a video meeting and the end result was that I needed to be reminded of the importance of good behavior. They emphasized that this was not a punishment but only a reminder to me.
I thought this was a very big punishment and I learned a lot from it.

Now the matter is completely finished and all routines continue normally, the sun is shining again!

Today is awesome weather outdoors! It is very beautiful, calm and sunny but at the same time very cold!

I was outside for an hour enjoying the sun.
I had a warm wool cap on and leather mittens on my hands and I really needed them! I also had a woolen scarf that kept warm around my neck but even after an hour the steel collar felt very cold.

I have again a lot to get used to before winter...

I have an unexpected problem. One of my teeth broke when I ate in the morning. I can feel it with my tongue inside my mouth. It broke a small piece, so it didn't break completely
It annoys me even though it doesn’t cause aches or other problems.

Obviously, it needs to be fixed but it will cause special action.
I need to be taken to the dentist. The good thing is that the dentist is familiar with me before and she knows the specific requirements.

I guess I should be glad I get to visit the “outside world” but really it causes me a lot of stress.

My first appointment with this dentist was part of a very long day.

It had a lot of good things but also very scary things. That’s why I feel stressed now that I don’t know what’s coming.
I still remember good things like beautiful clothes and a first date with Nina.
I also remember a strict control and a dentist who was very interested in everything related to me.

That trip ended in a little O-session, I have good memories of that too.

My teeth have been repaired

Surprisingly, we went to a familiar dentist on Saturday and she repaired a small crack in my tooth.

The day was interesting and different than my normal day. I will write a more detailed report later. The day also included a surprise whose impact hit me mentally later.

Now I have a little work to do. Happy weekend everyone!

I promised to write a report on my trip to the dentist.
It looks like the writing will be very long again so the first part is now here.

DENTIST, part 1

I knew right away Saturday morning that my day would be different.

I had slept on my stomach again, hands behind my back, locked in bed.
I still feel like it’s the best way to sleep for me.
Another way is that I am on my back and I have a corset-restraints combination that is locked to the bed.
I am happy that styles are always changed from time to time. It always requires getting used to it but still the variation is always good.

The guards came in the cell and detached me from the bed. They led me to the toilet and shower room, I had a hood on my head and hands behind my back as always.They put a rubber ballgag in my mouth and tightened the strap tightly. It was special compared to a normal day. Normally, according to Covid rules, I only have a tight, laced hood that covers my eyes and nose but leaves my mouth free
I was directed to sit in the toilet seat where I was allowed to do my thing, it was my normal routine. I was then assisted to stand and was moved under the shower, about 2 meter.
Normally my collar is attached to a wall chain, my hood is removed and my hands are released from behind my back.
That was not the case now. I was forced to my knees and then to my stomach on the floor of the shower room. My hands were still behind my back and the hood on my head.
The guards didn't say anything during the whole thing. They didn’t talk to each other or to me either.
Basically, I knew what it was all about, everything was a familiar routine and no speech or command was needed.
A wide, plastic-covered triangle was placed under my hips, perhaps 30 cm high. It’s meant to keep my butt upright as I lie on my stomach on the floor.
My ankles were tied so that my legs were facing each other, not next to each other. legcuffs remained locked as well.
The position of the legs forced my crotch area open, also the butt hole was well exposed.
The handcuffs behind my back were lifted up and attached to a chain that came from the top of the roof.  Still, I felt like my collar was attached to a chain on the floor.
I was a little amused by that all securing and locking, I really couldn’t move anywhere.

I felt how my butt hole was lubricated, I felt like a finger was inserted there, two fingers, maybe more.
After that, it was easy to push the hose in there for the enema. The end of the hose was shaped so that it remained firmly inside.
I felt the warm liquid slowly flow into me.
Or really I didn’t know if it’s warm, can the rectum feel the heat or the coldness, the temperature? I'm wonder...

This was familiar to me, I knew this would take time, the fluid would have to drain in slowly so as not to cause damage or other complications.
I couldn’t change my slightly uncomfortable posture but I was happy that the shower floor was warm. It’s an everyday luxury for me.

The guards left me alone, I don’t know how long. I tried to relax, I felt movement in my gut and stomach.

I heard the doors of the cells open again, now I also heard the speech.
Ilona was with the guards.
"Good morning prisoner" I heard Ilona's voice. I felt a latex glove that wandered my skin, it also touched my hooded head, even a gag that was tight in my mouth.
"You may have noticed that today is a slightly special day for you," Ilona spoke in a normal conversational voice.
Of course I couldn’t answer anything but I nodded to her.
Thoughts ran through my head, I may not understand everything now.
Now is the last weekend of the month, meaning routine it would now be an O-session weekend. Admittedly, the schedules are not precise lately.
If it’s O-session time now, I was confused that Ilona was there because she doesn’t usually attend sessions. Sessions are usually chaired by two male members of the Committee.
I felt very confused but at the same time sexually aroused.
"I know your posture is uncomfortable. It won't last long," Ilona said, "but I was going to take this opportunity and shave your pubic hair because now you're so open and it's easy. I know you always want to be neat."
In a way, it's true. Now it is practical to do.
Usually it’s done by my female guard or else it’s part of my O-session.
My sexual enthusiasm may have waned a bit when I thought about the practical side of it.
Maybe it’s just a normal operation without a session and orgasms. I might have felt a little disappointed. But that doesn't explain why enema need to be done now ...

The guards detached the vertical chain from my handcuffs, the handcuffs still remaining on my wrists behind my back.
Triangular pillow was taken out from under my back and I was turned to my side. From that on my back to lie down. The handcuffs felt painful under my back.
The pillow was placed back under me. It forced my crotch high up, very open because my legs were still tied transversely.
Position was not comfortable but still the pillow under me eased the pressure the cuffs put on my wrists.
There were strange noises in my stomach and intestines and I felt an uncomfortable feeling.
I wasn’t full of fluid yet but I hoped the enema hose would stay in place now. A burst of liquid and waste would not be a good thing now.

"You know how this works," Ilona said. I felt her latex gloves on my skin, inner thighs, and lower abdomen.
OK ... I think this is weird and humiliating but still I like this.
My lower body slowly began to move back and forth, a small involuntary movement.
"Prisoner! Calm yourself," I heard Ilona say "this is an ordinary procedure based on hygiene and cleanliness. Don't imagine too much!"
At the same time, however, her hand moved on my skin, she clearly teased me. I felt her apply foam to my pubic hair, that too felt very teasing.
I was aroused. Very aroused.
She treated me tenderly but effectively.
The stubble of my pubic hair was easily cut with a new razor blade.
She rinsed the broken hair with warm water, her fingers touching my labia many times. She was especially careful in sensitive areas. I also felt a touch in the clitoral area. She left her palms resting on my labia and pressed them lightly. It was a clear bullying and I wanted to react to it more and more.
I really enjoy this special and rare moment!

I felt her fingers on my lips, my saliva had run down, my lower lip and chin were wet. I didn’t feel her finger but I felt his slippery latex glove and fingers inside it.
She swirled my spit with my lips, around the mouth ball. It felt infinitely erotic with my tense lips.
"Listen to me," she said calmly. She at the same time touched my nipples with her slippery fingers and I was already close to exploding.
" We will turn you back on your stomach."
I tried to protest, I wanted this to continue!
"You have to behave now," Ilona said, "I know you enjoy all this and would like to continue and even move on, but you have to understand that now that moment is over."
I couldn’t reassure myself, I was still trying to protest but it was impossible due to the ballgag.
The guards grabbed me and turned me around, the pillow was placed under my back again.
My enjoyment had already turned into disappointment and I even felt angry. Why did they tease me this way?

My handcuffed wrists were fastened again up the chain, perhaps already higher than before.
"One more thing," I heard Ilona say.
I was already feeling miserable and I wouldn’t have wanted to hear anything more.
"We're opening the ballgag strap now," she said calmly. "You have to keep the ball in your mouth, don't let it fall. Don't try to talk because you don't have a right to it now."
"We open the strap because then we can open the hood cords and take it off your head. Then we put the strap back on." She continued "Did you understand?"
I was tired of this play, I didn’t even want to answer.
"prisoner?" I heard the guard ask and I felt my wrists being raised higher.
I nodded that I understood. I couldn't help but obey, as always.

The gag strap was opened and I held it in my mouth, it was easy because the gag was behind my teeth. It would be harder to get it pushed out using only the tongue.
I felt how the cords of the leather hood were opened and eventually it was pulled off my head. The room lighting exploded in my eyes.
I kept my eyes closed while the guard again fastened my gag strap.

They gave me time to adjust.
When I opened my eyes again I saw Ilona sitting next to me, in the toilet seat.
I had my cheek stuck on the floor and looked at her beautiful boots and beautiful brown leather pants.
On that floor, I felt really down...

"Good morning Miisa" Ilona smiled "Nice that you got your eyes open this morning too!"
I couldn’t bear to be very happy about it, my cheek sticking to the floor and the hose in my anus, my stomach full of fluid.

"Today is a different day for you," Ilona smiled. "You'll get out of here for a moment. We're going to see your dentist and take care of your teeth!"
I was very surprised by what I heard, just a few days ago my teeth cracked and it wouldn’t have needed a quick fix.
The committee has sorted it out quickly, they really care about me! My mood might have improved a bit.

“I’ll do one more thing because now we have the tools ready,” Ilona said.
Se took the scissors and came near me and squatted on the floor next to me. She took the hair from behind my left ear and cut it off!
"Don't get nervous, I don't cut much" Ilona reassured me "I was instructed to get a bare spot in this area, 2 x 3 cm. Little thing".
Little thing! I tried to raise my head but the guard held on to it and pressed my cheek harder and harder to the floor.
I felt how Ilona used the razor blade and cleaned the area effectively. I was very close to a panic attack but I couldn’t move and didn’t even scream!
"Done!" Ilona said "Like I said, little thing. You overreacted to such a thing but as you can see, nothing bad happened!"

"I've done my part now" Ilona got up and walked to the cell door, the guard opened it for her "The guards will come back soon and then you will continue the routines. We will leave for the car in two hours.
Before that, I will come and see  your dressing. "
All three stepped out and I heard the door locks close.

I was left alone on the floor. I was effectively locked, the hose still went inside me but I don’t know if the liquid was still draining, I couldn’t see the liquid bag.
I couldn't help but wait, luckily the floor is warm.

DENTIST, part 2

I tried to be calm to think good things, to meditate in silence.
My knees hurt, as did my ribs and shoulders. The hard floor was not comfortable when I was in a restricted position on my stomach.
I was very effectively tied and chained, my cuffed wrist was lifted up, it was impossible for me to change my position.
The triangular pillow under my waist were not comfortable, I was wondering why it has to be such a hard material?
I was able to bend my hips a little and move my knees forward. It eased the pressure exerted by the triangular pad. When I did, my stomach made sounds of fluid moving in my gut.

It quickly hurt my knees so I had to return to my original position. I felt pressure in my stomach and rectum.
I amused myself by thinking what would happen if I now pushed with full force. The hose and the part inside me would come out and at the same time the liquid would burst out of me with full force.
I calculated that I am relatively close to the wall, my butt is a little up thanks to the pillow ... How far would the liquid and waste fly? Up to the wall? How high?
The thought was funny in my opinion, it might say something about me and my weird humor.
I was sure the guards and Ilona wouldn’t understand my practical humor. That’s why I focused on keeping everything inside me.

So I get into the outside world today. That might explain a little bit of what is happening now.
But on the other hand, I don’t need such practices because we only go to the dentist.
Why did Ilona make a hairless spot on my head, behind my ear? A normal dentist does not require such ...
Could it give me some anesthetic, I thought. I had never heard of such a thing. There's just a bone, a skull. I was already starting to imagine some horror story where a hole is being drilled in my skull. Basically, it would be possible, with dental tools.
I also thought of a lobotomy but it is done on the frontal lobes, not behind the head.
I should find out more but now it is impossible!

When thoughts rise to a sufficient level, panic results. It was happening now. I wanted to get off the floor. I wanted to get out of this position!
I tried to work hard and get rid of it but the chains were too strong, of course so.
The guards had watched me from the monitor as they came in quickly. Ilona also came with them.
"Calm down" Ilona said calmly "There is no reason to rage now"
I had a hard time breathing with the gag, I could feel the saliva splashing from the edges of my lip.
The guard detached my hands from the chain and lowered them onto my back. Also the ties on my legs were opened, the legcuffs remained locked but I was now able to move my legs again.
My ballgag was taken out of my mouth.
Ilona squatted beside me and placed a soft towel under my head. It felt good between the floor and my cheek.

The triangular pillow was also taken out from under my stomach, I was now lying on a flat floor. I tried to smooth my breath.
"What happened?" Ilona was still next to my head, she even touched my head and shoulders soothingly.
"I don't know what's going on" I cried "Don't drill a hole in my head!"
The room was quiet for a long time. Then Ilona laughed, I also heard the guards laughing quietly.
"No one will hurt you and no one will drill a hole in your skull," Ilona said.
I still felt his glove on my shoulder and it calmed me down.
"Your imagination amazes me sometimes," she said. "Why do you think we're drilling a hole in your head?"
"You shaved my hair from the area behind my ear," I explained quietly, "I couldn't think of any reason for that other than drilling a hole."
"Why would we make a hole in your skull?"
“I don’t know, maybe it would be some weird experiment, a kind of lobotomy where my personality would change,” I cried.

"We're not drilling a hole in your head, and we're not touching your brain," Ilona said. "We really don't want to change your personality because you're perfect for us now."
It was very reassuring to hear, I believed her.
"Do you know that lobotomies are performed on the frontal lobes of the brain?" Ilona asked with a smile.
"I know" I said "but I thought about it and panic took over."
"Maybe we need to think about what kind of movies you're watching." Ilona laughed "No more weird horror movies for you anymore!"
I, too, laughed at her jokes I realized how stupid I had been when I gave too much space to the imagination.
“But why did you shave that place?” I finally asked.
"It was supposed to be a surprise to you" Ilona explained "That place is for tattooing. You will have a small tattoo that can be identified by an outsider. "
"The dentist does it while you sit in her chair," she continued, "Of course we can't cut your hair at her office so we did it now."
That was a very sensible explanation. Of course it could have been told to me earlier so we would have avoided this panic.
After that, the tattoo didn’t feel scary.

My mind was relieved but my gut was not, the pressure was already almost unbearable.
Ilona got up to stand next to me and moved towards the cell door, the guard opened the doors for her and she walked out.
I stayed in with the guards. They were wearing rubber aprons and gloves.

I hoped the action wouldn’t become very messy.

It had a great mental impact on me. You said it right.
The cages are ready for me again, they are waiting clean for me. Although my sessions are sometimes violent I am still very careful about cleanliness and tidiness.
It feels good to think everything is clean for me.

I don't know ... Maybe something would happen in the session if I got into a cage that was somehow dirty after using others. I would find it very humiliating.

It was also weird to do something concrete with my hands, I did real physical work!
it was an easy job of course but still. Usually I just use the keyboard or hold my hands on my lap when they are not handcuffed. Now I did something special with them, it made me feel good!

Ilona is closely involved in the Committee's work. She is not constantly present but very often she is present in "special situations".
She has the ability to organize things that require special precision.
In addition, her presence in such matters makes me feel safe. It’s important because I’m sometimes confused about new things.

Of course, male members of the Committee are able to do the same, but they may think things differently, I have noticed it many times ...

It is good that the members of the Committee can change their course of action, so I will not overburden their time.