March, maybe the sun will finally start shining here too 
The winter here has been long and difficult for me but I am hopeful that everything will get better.
As I said before, we had a meeting last weekend, as we usually do at the turn of the month.
In addition to normal procedures, I had an appointment with Ilona.
The purpose of the meeting was to clarify to me Erin's position in this community, although Ilona made it very clear to me that the Committee's opinion was that it was not my place to question or question any matters related to it.
However, Ilona wants to handle things amicably and that's why she wanted to make things clear to me as well.
The meeting was in a common area at a table. The guards brought me into the room and locked my hands in handcuffs to the table and my leg irons to a heavy chair, that's standard practice.
Also, a short chain between my waist and the back of the chair was locked so that I couldn't stand up.
I sat and waited there alone for a while until the door opened and Ilona walked in. The guard held the door open, I was surprised when Erin also entered the room after Ilona.
I was even more surprised when Nina followed them, I hadn't seen her in a long time, many months. She hadn't even answered my messages anymore.
Apparently they came from inside the house because they didn't have jackets or coats etc. with them.
Ilona was wearing dark brown leather pants as she often did before. They are her favorite now, I thought as I looked at her. They suited her very well, the casual blouse completed the outfit.
I admired her outfit and I was sad when I didn't have time to see what she was wearing on her feet, I assumed it was proper boots. Sometimes she wears regular shoes if she's been here for a long time...
Erin was dressed in a businesslike dark pantsuit, she really looked like a lawyer... or a real estate agent.
Nina was wearing a fluffy sweater and a light brown, knee-length suede skirt. She looked like she was always ready for a warm hug.
Ilona and Nina greeted me and sat on the other side of the table, opposite me.
Ilona was in the middle chair, Nina next to her and Erin stood behind her own chair, standing erect.
The arrangement was a bit strange, I wondered about it but didn't say anything. Actually, I didn't have permission to say anything yet.
Ilona showed Erin an empty chair and said that she could sit at the table too. She did so.
Ilona told us that this was an "open meeting" which means that everyone has the right to speak and discuss any issues that come up.
I was happy that I was "equal" with the other discussants.
The discussion was opened by me sharing my thoughts about my life as a controlled prisoner here.
I didn't have much to add to the old routine that I am very used to and that has been my normal life for a long time, my life with the guards has been going on without major conflicts for a long time.
Ilona said that the Committee has received similar messages and they are happy with me.
However, I wanted to ask Nina where she disappeared from my life... I have missed her calming influence on me and our conversations together.
Nina said that she has some challenges in her own life and family situation. Traveling here to see me takes many hours a day and she doesn't have the opportunity to do that now as she used to.
When I asked why Nina hadn't replied to my messages, I saw troubled looks between her and Ilona, it was hard to get an answer.
Finally Ilona said that Nina had some difficulties with a member of the Committee, they had big differences of opinion about my life, my imprisonment and its possible changes.
They said that they wouldn't tell me what happened because at the moment it's only about theoretical matters and plans.
It was just a "storm in a teacup", they said. However, now that the situation has calmed down, the Committee and Nina are trying to think about how to continue the contact between us.
Nina said she was very sorry for what happened and hoped things would be better in the future.
Ilona wanted to move on to another matter, namely Erin's situation here.
While Erin was still silent, Ilona told me in outline the same things that had been told to me earlier.
Erin lives a strongly controlled life of her own free will. This means that she can be in the workforce and practice her profession where she develops and progresses all the time. She is no longer a junior intern but a fully qualified lawyer who focuses on corporate law.
Erin's working life is largely based on a pre-planned daily calendar that includes many appointments, meetings, etc.
She is under constant electronic surveillance, which is normally carried out using two mobile phones. The first phone acts as a locator that constantly tells her where she is. With the second phone, she reports any possible changes to the schedule and performs a time-specific check-in to the supervisors.
In the evenings and nights, she is in her apartment or here in her own cell.
When I asked why she wants to be closely monitored all the time, I was told that she had very bad experiences when she was young.
She had difficulties with her controlling parents and rebelled against them in many ways.
Outwardly, she was a model student and exemplary child, but she also had a second life that involved drugs and alcohol.
In that life, she also experienced violence and rape.
She still feels weak in those things and therefore feels that constant, uninterrupted supervision is a good thing for her.
When I heard all that I felt sorry for Erin.
It was a little strange because basically we are in the same situation, controlled and restricted.
Erin didn't say anything during the meeting, I told her that I hoped we could talk more sometime.
She said she hoped so too.
I also told Nina my hope that we would be in touch again.
At the end I still had a chance to talk about things that were weighing on my mind.
... so once again I started talking about the crazy world ruled by crazy leaders, about war and the suffering in the world that seemed to be increasing all over the world.
Ilona listened to me patiently for a moment and finally suggested that I could tell Nina my troubles when we were in touch.
I was happy about that because I took it as a promise that Nina would contact me!
The meeting was over and they got up, said goodbye and left the room, I stayed sitting and waited for the guards.
