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I sleep for short moments, I think. It was difficult to understand what time was.
It was very quiet, just a little air ventilation noise ... low hum.
The hardest problem was maybe handcuffs. They put a heavy weight on my wrists and caused pain.
I tried to hold on to my fingers, a kind of finger lock that made the posture better, then the cuff steel didn't press much into my wrist. But every time when I fell asleep, the grip loosened and I felt pain in my wrist again.
Actually, I missed my mittens now. They have strong leather wrist and they protect my wrists.
I was wondering if I could ask for them, or maybe some kind of wrist protection would be possible. Now the situation was close to torture.

My posture got worse and worse. The need to move is natural, now almost everything was effectively blocked.
I could turn my head but there was almost everything I could do.
The hood is familiar to me but now it was also uncomfortable.
Heavy blanket, however, reassured me, I felt that I am hiding and safe. The last few days have been very stressful.

Also, it annoyed me that I didn't know how long I had to be this way. Usually I know that morning routines start almost every time I wake up.
It's part of the institutionalization that happens, it gives security and peace. Now everything was new and uncertain again.

I don't know, maybe I slept again, but eventually I heard the door locks open. I listened quietly.
I heard the silent speech, I recognized the guard's voice, someone else was there. I also heard metallic noises. Working noises. I heard the sound of a drill, then the sounds of tools and chains.

I didn't recognize the other man's voice but I thought he was "Rolf", I knew Rolf is an iron blacksmith who made eg cages that are here. Surely he has done much more.

All the sounds were clear because my area is basically open space. Only perforated steel plates, iron mesh and bars separate them.
Only the lobby is closed, a separate space, I don't know what's going on there. Of course also the outdoor area too.

I felt the need to pee but I tried to hold it. Fortunately, I haven't drink much. I can still hold it. I hate the idea of a wet diaper.
My vagina wasn't very sore, it felt exhausted and tired but it wasn't bad. I had expected worse.
My butt also felt worn but luckily I didn't feel any major injuries.

I'm wondering if I'm trying to say something. I could tell that my position is almost unbearable.
But I don't think complaining will help anything. I was told that I will stay here as long as the modifications are made.

I was wondering what jobs I would have had today. Anyway, there is nothing I can do now, my customers will surely understand it.

I thought my clients, they are only a few and not many know how I live.
Actually, only one photographer knows about my real life. Others think I have a disability or illness that I never meet with them. Everything can be arranged via the web.
I do not know... Would they be my clients if they would know that I am the tightly-controlled prisoner...

I hope so because this can sometimes become public.

to be continued...

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Waiting was painful, I don't know how long I waited.
I was happy that I had drink the water just a little bit, I felt the need to pee but it was still not bad.
Immobility was disappointing, my legs and pelvis get strange cramps, I could not help them.

The biggest problem was my wrists. Now that I was awake I was able to use my fingers to hold the waistbelt D-ring behind my back (handcuff chain was locked into it). It relieved the pressure on the wrists. I really didn't want nerve damage to my wrists.
I had to focus on it all the time.

Finally I heard the sound of the door locks. Someone came in to my cell. I couldn't know who it was, I heard another voice speak. They were my guards.
"Prisoner, report," the man said
I was wondering about this new practice, I didn't know how to respond.
"Sir, Ma'am" I finally answered.
"Good" he replied "We will now take the hood off your head. Then we will introduce your new collar and its accessories".

I felt them unlock my current collar lock. It did not cause me much joy because I was, however, firmly locked in the bed.
Actually, I didn't even want the collar opened, the chain could come off but I didn't want to give up the collar because I didn't know what was coming. I was tense.
However, the collar was taken away, I did not say anything. I didn't know if I had permission to speak.

I felt how my hood strings were opened, I keep my eyes closed because I knew that when the hood is taken off, complete darkness becomes a clear light. I wanted to be prepared for it, I have experience with it.
It happened, I held my eyes for a long time and got used to the light. The guards waited patiently.
I was silent and watching the guards, I was still in bed on my stomach and I couldn't see well but there was something weird about them.

The man had a metal object in his hand, my new collar.
"As you can see, the new collar is a little different," he introduced, "the collar dimensions are about the same as before but there are significant changes in this new one."
He kept the collar in front of my eyes, I watching it ... I was even interested in it because it would become a part of me anyway.
The biggest difference was that the new version has two hinges, on each side. The old one only had one in my neck.N ew collar locks in the same way as the old one with an integrated lock on the front.
Other thing was that behind the new collar was a kind of U-profile welded onto the collar. It wasn't big, it was the same width as the collar. The U-shape was open away from the neck. Maybe 4 cm protruding. U had a big hole in each of the claws.
The inside edges of the U-profile were strongly rounded, and Collar was well-finished, beautiful and shiny. Very powerful object.
I did not understand the meaning of the U-part.
The woman had a few other items in her hand, also made of steel or other shiny material. They were some kind of rods. At one end there was a kind of lock, at the other end a padded rubber or similar handle.
He took one short rod, maybe 30 cm long, and presented it to me.
"As you can see, the rod has a lock mechanism that fits the collar U-piece. It is a quick lock that locks very firmly, it can only be unlocked with a special tool. The locking mechanism is operated by a strong spring. "
He clicked on the rod to catch collar, it was really fast. The rod could turn up and down but not sideways, it looked like a very strong entity.
He took the special key from his belt and removed the rod from the collar. It was very impressive.
"As you can see, we have a variety of rods for many uses. This short here is perhaps the most practical here for indoor use, but we can also use longer ones. There is also a chance for us to attach your handcuffs to it. It is a very effective way of controlling a prisoner. There are other things that are part of this system, you will get to know them later. "
"Now, lift your head so we can lock up your new collar," he commanded.

I was a little shocked by everything but at the same time I was a little proud. I have never seen a similar restraint system and in some sickly way it  flattered that it was made just for me.

I lifted my head as much as I could and he locked the collar in my neck.

I had the feeling that the new collar was tighter than the old one ... or maybe it was wider. I couldn't say for sure. Maybe it was just a feeling.

to be continued...

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The woman tied my hair with a rubber band, a normal ponytail.
"We now want to show you a method that is allowed for the treatment of poorly behaved prisoner," the man said, "It encourages the prisoner to obey orders quickly."
He took out a plastic bag and some kind of elastic band from his pocket.
He quickly put a plastic bag on my head. Elastic band tightened it tight against my neck.
I was shocked and tried to fight it but it was useless.
"Listen carefully," the man said calmly, "As you can see, the plastic bag is relatively large, there is air inside now and it will be enough for you for a while."
"Now we help you stand, after that we move to the shower / toilet cell" he spoke very clearly.
I understood the purpose of the bag, now I have to obey and try to cope with the transition as quickly as possible.
Panic rising, the man bent over to open the cuff between the hobble and bed but he was very slow! I already wanted to go!
I was sure that he was delaying on purpose, he wanted that I spend my oxygen already before the move.
Finally the cuff was opened and they helped me stand, I immediately tried to walk forward but my legs were very weak. The rigid posture at night had done its job.
They grabbed me by the arms and quickly and efficiently almost carried me to another cell, the distance was not long but still I tried to walk on my feet faster.
Inside the plastic bag was breathing steam, I no longer saw properly. I felt the oxygen was very low. The bag tightened against my head and face every time I inhaled.

We came under the shower, no water came yet. They turned me back against the wall, I felt when the collar rod was fixed to the wall.
I was able to move a little up and down. When I moved down, I had to get closer to the wall at the same time, there was not much movement, only 30 cm.
My breathing was already difficult, I was terrified.
"Please ..." I begged "let me breathe!"
"Do you have anything to say, prisoner?" The man said loudly.
"Sir ... please, I can't breathe any longer" I tried to say.
The man came closer and opened an elastic band, Into the plastic bag came fresh air again, I was able to breathe again.
"Thank you Sir" I said gratefully.
"You don't have to thank us," he said, "Thank you for understanding the idea. This was just a demonstration of what can happen if you disobey us. This is not meant to be standard practice."

"Sir, what happens if the air runs out?" I asked.
"Then you will lose consciousness and the action will cease. We will let you breathe so that you can regain consciousness" the guards looked at me insensitively "Then the process will continue again until we reach our goal."
It is a very effective and relentless way to get a prisoner to obey. I felt submissive.

I could see that the wall hatch had the necessary supplies.

I saw a woman wearing a rubber apron. She also put on long gloves.
I knew that she protects itself from water, she does not want wetted clothes in the shower. I still felt like he was getting ready for some very dirty work ... I didn't want to think I was so dirty.

She opened my diaper and took it off "Wow, this is dry, you can be proud of yourself!"
She also removed my handcuffs from the waistbelt and took it off. It was leather and water would not be good for it. My hands were still handcuffed behind the back.

The man left the cell, he locked the door when he left.

"You have to pee? Shit too?" she asked.
"just a pee" I said.
"Do it now," she said and stepped back.
It was very humiliating! Of course they are, or at least one of them is always there when I'm toilett but normally I can sit and act in such a way as normal.

I had a great urge to urinate but it was still difficult, I was very humiliated. The situation was absurd ... I was standing there fixed on the wall, the woman in front of me in a rubber apron waiting for me to act.
I tried to bend my knees and squat but it was impossible, I could move very little.
"Ma'am, this is very humiliating!" I said "Can't I sit as normal?"
"It is not possible now," she said, "but you have the time ... I can not touch you now because I'm alone here. Under the new rules we need to always be two guards when dealing with you.
"My partner is now installing some supplies on your night cell," she told "we have to wait for him."

More supplies! This is total madness, I thought.
Eventually I got the urine to come out. It flowed uncomfortably to my thighs and legs. I could smell it. Still, it made my life easier.
The woman came a little closer and opened the shower water. Warm water ran from above me and flushed the urine off.
I wondered why she didn't open the water before ... maybe she just wanted to humiliate me.

Eventually the man came back inside the cell.
The woman took the water off and put the shampoo on my hair. She washed my hair carefully. Her rubber gloves felt strange in my hair.
Collar and steel rod effectively held my head in place. Occasionally the head movement gave pain to the neck as the collar was almost stationary.
Still, I enjoy it.

She rinsed off the shampoo, next she added conditioner.
Finally, she washed my face with a cleansing face water, it felt very refreshing.
I suddenly felt strange to be in good and feminine care.

The man came behind me and opened my left hand cuff.
"Now carefully" he said and moved my hands up from the front so that the wrists locked behind the collar. My arms were now folded forwards upwards.
Woman soaped me completely, she rubbed me with a sponge, any place.
I was like a statue being effectively maintained.
Finally she opened the water and it rinsed me perfectly. I felt myself clean.
The water shower stopped and I was still standing there. Woman dried me with a towel, it felt good and warm.

She took a fresh diaper "spread your legs," she ordered.
I didn't like the idea "Ma'am .. is it mandatory? I don't need it!"
"Yes," she replied, "the use of diaper is now in the rules. But of course you don't need to water it. It's just a precaution."
I spread my legs as much as I could. She put on the diaper and secured it with additional tape. I found it very humiliating.
The man put a leather belt on my waist again. He moved my hands behind my back again and locked the handcuffs to belt D-ring.

The man looked at me and asked "do we need a plastic bag?"
"No Sir, we don't need it" I answered quickly.
We moved back to my night time cell.

to be continued...

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We moved out into the night time cell, first into the day cell and then into the lobby.
There were three strong locked doors on the way, though the distance was not very long.
Walking was very difficult and weird. The rigid steel bar legcuffs limited very much.
I was happy that legcuffs was not completely rigid, now, however, the bar moved in cuffs, it is easier for walking, otherwise it would be impossible.
Also, the boots seemed strange, they were very low, almost like I barefeet.
I also noticed that the modifications in the boots' ankles, the sewn on hoops, worked well.
I thought maybe there was some cushion underneath the cuffs, they felt almost comfortable!
There was still a steel rod in my neck, and the woman held it and led me forward. She kept me upright. The man followed beside us.
Collar felt uncomfortable. I was still happy that the rod was hinged on my collar. A completely rigid solution was a disaster.
Since my hands were behind my back, I have effectively controlled ... and I walked slowly like Daisy Duck.

We came in the lobby.
There was a heavy table in a normal place that was very familiar to me. There was also a heavy chair I knew.. I sat there almost every time I was inside the lobby.
It was a big heavy ascetic chair, high back, no padding. I was tied / locked to it many times.
They put me in a chair. There was an anchorage point on the floor for locking purposes. The man squatted under the table.
He took a new steel bar and fitted it through an O-ring that was welded to the center of my legcuff steelbar. He locked it on the floor. He locked the other end to the chair frame. Me and the chair were now effectively locked to the floor.
I don't know exactly but the rod on my neck must have some system that can be quickly locked into something solid. Maybe it's just a solid steel loop that can be used with a padlock. I hadn't looked closely.
in any case, my collar was now locked in the chair's back. All I could do was sit upright.
My hands were still tight behind my back and my feet locked on the floor. I was stuck.

Nobody said anything. Only steel sounds were heard when they locked me.
I was really curious about what was going on, everything seemed well planned.
I was amazed at how efficiently they were able to make changes at short notice.

Collar was uncomfortable, especially now that the rod was locked in a chair.
The rod attachment point in the chair might have been lower than my neck. As I tried to move forward, the front of the collar rose slightly up and pressed my throat. Maybe the best posture was trying to lean back, but then my neck hurt.
I had to try to keep the posture very stable but it was difficult and tiring, I missed my corset.

Diaper wasn't bad, actually it gave a pleasant softness because the chair otherwise was very hard.
The dress was very uncomfortable, it was tight and too hard material. Now it didn't make much noise because I was sitting tight in my seat.
I had never dressed in vinyl but I thought it was pleasantly soft material. Maybe it's different. Perhaps this is intentionally punishing material. Thicker and harder than usual.
The color of the dress was also depressingly gray. I like black and white but gray ... already it has a psychological effect on my mind. Fortunately, it is shiny, I laughed inward.

She brought breakfast to me on the table.
A bottle of water, a glass of juice, bread roll and apple pieces, some vitamin pills. My normal breakfast.
Only then did I realize how much hunger I had. I hadn't eaten properly in a long time, just drank some water.

I was locked in it, I couldn't do anything ... I thought that next there would be some kind of incomprehensible mental play where I was being bullied but it didn't happen. The man opened my right wrist handcuff and moved my hand to the front. He locked the handcuff again.
"Enjoy your breakfast," the woman said.
They sat beside the wall on a leather couch where committee members often sit.

Eating was very difficult.
I couldn't move my head, I had handcuffs.
Even chewing was difficult because of collar.
Drinking was almost impossible because I couldn't tilt my head as little as possible.
Swallowing was difficult.
I was sure the guards would enjoy the show I gave.
I messed up my dress. bread, water, and juice came upon it. I felt like a pig. It annoyed me.
"Don't worry, prisoner," the woman said, "your uniform will withstand your mess, it's easy to clean without you having to take it off. It's very practical!"
I knew she would appreciate my humiliation. she has always been jealous of my beautiful clothes and dress. Now she can enjoy.

Finally, I had eaten. Guard removed the supplies and with a short chain locked my handcuffs on the table.
I could now hold my hands on the table, but I could no longer lift them to my face or even hold them in my lap.

"Now you have to wait," he said, "Committee members will come at some point, until then you wait here."
Good ... I thought ... I'll wait. And when Ilona comes, I'll tell  all about this brutality. She doesn't accept it and she helps things get back to normal!

to be continued...

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I sat and waited, I couldn't do anything else. I was able to move my legs very little, it was impossible to change position.
Collar forced me to sit upright, my back and abdominal muscles were like fire.
I couldn't help the position with my hands because they were locked on the table in front of me.
It was torture. I couldn't even know how long I had to wait.
The guards left the room, I was alone. It wasn't good for me to be. My dress was uncomfortable, even its seams caused pain in my arms.

This cannot continue like this. I thought that if now it's the moment when I'll use my three-month rule.

That would mean that after three months of probation I would be free ... What would it be like?
I had thought about this before, it was a very stressful idea.
I have been under control for a long time, I have not had to think of any matters falling within the normal living. I have become a well-trained machine.
I don't have to think.
They tell me what I do, how I dress, what I eat, when I do body functions. They decide everything. What if it were not so?
I've lived like this for more than ten years, it would be impossible to live if all would end. I need control and discipline.

Routines are important to me.
Now, in any case, routines are broken but still there is control. It's my safety.
... thoughts crept in my head, I was confused. I need to figure this out.
Ilona and the Committee must understand that all these changes are futile. I want to return to my former, normal rhythm of the day.
I became very determined, we are clearing up this stupid difficulty!

In the end, I heard the door lock opened. The door was behind my back, I couldn't see it. The door opened and people entered the room.
Man, a member of the Committee came before me, the table was between us.
He is a member who visits me to meet less frequently.
He put a laptop on the desk, he attached a separate camera to the laptop and turned it toward me.
Another member of the Committee also came to the table, he was the driver of a car trip yesterday. He had the package box in his hand, he put it on the table.
I heard the guards were somewhere behind me, I couldn't see them. They closed the door and locked it.

The man who came first was very serious, he looked at me quietly and at the same time turned power on his laptop.
"prisoner" he said and looked at me "Since not all Committee members are present, we will record this meeting so all members can see this later."
I was scared, this was so official and important that I didn't understand everything.
Also, I was shocked that Ilona was not there.
"Where's Ilona?" I asked.
"... First of all, you are a prisoner who is a strict behavioral rules," the man said.
"We might have to repeat them," the man said sternly. "First of all, you need to understand the rules of the speech. You can't talk to us without permission. It applies to all the people you deal with."
"I don't ..." I started, but he interrupted my speech angrily.
"Listen!" he commands me "You have to ask permission to speak, it always happens by starting with Sir or Ma'am, depending on who you want to talk to. If permission is denied, you will not be listened to. If you break the rule, we will use a gag or muzzle.

"If you have permission to speak, you do not always have to use it Sir or Ma'am prefix, it is enough that you behave respectfully. "
"You answer when you are asked, otherwise you ask permission to speak, simple, right?" The man asked.
I got tears in my eyes. This was horrible!
"Did you understand?" The man asked.
I tried to nod but it was difficult because collar "Sir, I understand" I said quietly.
"This rule applies in all cases. Committee members,  guards, occasional guests, potential doctors and other appointments" man said.
I realized that the speech rule also applies to visits. For example, if my friend, or my brother / another family member, visits here, even then I must respect the rule!
"Sir, Can I ask?" I said and the man nodded to me.
"If I have a guest here, even though my best friend whose visit has now been canceled ... but the next time when she can come, do I need to ask permission to talk to her?"
The man looked at me, "When you meet a visitor, there's always a guard near you who monitors your behavior. You ask permission to guard, he/she may prohibit you from speaking or interrupt the conversation at any time. "

"But it doesn't matter now," the man continued, "your appointments have been canceled and you have been isolated for the time being."
I thought to my prison colleague, I meet him every other month. Appointments are important to him and me.
"What about my prisoner colleague?" I asked
"Your meeting has been canceled," the man said, "In addition, he will be punished for your bad behavior."
This is horrible. His life is also getting harder for me, and I haven't even done anything wrong!
His prison life was already tight and harsh ... or maybe it was like my new rules now.
I was very sorry and I can't even explain to him.
"It's a so-called community punishment," the man said, "your stupidity also affects other people. Maybe it will encourage you to behave well!"
I could not understand all this cruelty!

"... and as for your question about Ma'am Ilona," the man looked at me, "you don't need to know who's working with you. You're not going to meet her in a long time!"
This information was devastating. Ilona told me she was leaving the country to work, but I didn't realize I couldn't see her before.
I was shocked by the knowledge ... who is now taking care of my well-being? Maybe another female member of the Committee invisibly, but I rarely see her.

"Now let's move on to other practical things," the man continued "Your behavior has raised the level of security. Your actions will be investigated and the Committee will then decide on further action. During the investigation, you are under maximum control ".
"This is also a good opportunity to re-educate you in discipline and order" The man looked at me tightly "We have realized that you need it!"
I was so upset that I didn't even try to say anything. I was innocent of everything!

"This all means more control and restraints" Man talked like a lecturer "you've noticed changes in your restraint routines, it's just the beginning. A lot of new things are coming but I can give you some examples. Your daytime cell has made some changes, the biggest thing is maybe from now on you have three different chains that are locked in a cell ".
The man looked at me and continued, "one chain you already know, it has been locked into your hobblechain. In the future it will be locked in the same way in your new legcuffs steelbar.
The other chain is locked to the back of the steelbelt at your waist. This chain is fixed on the wall at the height of your waist. The third chain come from the ceiling and it will be locked to your collar. All chains are sized so that you can sit and move a little inside the cell but you can't reach the door under any circumstances."
""You can work on a computer like before, it is your work and your rights dictated by the agreement" he continued.
"Is everything clear so far? "He asked.

Everything was very clear, I'm not stupid. I understand everything that is said to me. I had tears on my cheeks and I answered "Yes, Sir."
"Good" man said "Do you have something else to say or ask?"
I pondered and said fondly, "This dress is horrible, it's tight and very awkward, unfortunate material ... besides, I don't understand the use of diaper".
"The purpose of the dress is not to please you" the man explained "its purpose is to remind you of what you are. Diaper use does not mean you have to mess it up ... it is a precaution and moreover it works like a chastity belt, you cannot touch yourself " .
"You also get new clothes that fit your new life," the man continued, "You just have to wait."

"And now," the man said, "We're trying out an accessory for your restraints!"
Another man took a long piece of steel from the box, about 40 cm long. it was about 5 cm wide and maybe 5 mm thick. It was slightly bent. it had several holes. I didn't like it.
The  guard came behind me and removed the rod from my collar. The guards helped me stand.It was difficult because I couldn't move my legs.
At the end of the new steel part was a locking mechanism similar to a rod, the guard put a part in my back clicked it into the collar.
I still had handcuffs. She opened a handcuffs chain and removed it from the table. Guard bolted the steel part of my waistbelt. When it was attached, it forced me into a very upright position.
I looked at the members of the committee with horror.
The committee member looked at me with interest.
"This is not all," he said.
He looked like a new steel part, it was the same material as the previous one but it was bent to shape ... like two D-letters.
I knew what it was. The D shapes were for my wrists. When the steel part is bolted to the one behind my back, my wrists are sandwiched between them.
The guards opened my cuffs and worked for a while with the steel parts. They forced my arm into that awful instrument. I felt very well controlled. They let me down again.
The posture was horrible, it was completely straight and my arms were fully locked stiff, the elbows were 90 degrees and the wrists overlapped against my back.
I was happy that the collar was hinged to the steel behind my neck, otherwise everything would be unbearable hell.

"Now we take a little break, maybe 15 - 30 min" the man said "you can sit here and get used to your new restraints, after that we can continue".

to be continued...

a continuation of the previous writing
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I heard nothing ... just the noise inside my head, maybe my heart beats, maybe I imagined. I heard my own swallow. I didn't see anything, there was complete darkness.
I was a bit panicked and nervous, the situation was not pleasant.

I tried to focus on analytical thinking.
The hood was very tight but at the same time it felt comfortable.
I tried to breathe calmly. It was a surprise to notice that I could breathe through my nose too, it calmed me... maybe I wouldn't choke on this ...
The hood had looked awful, like I first thought, like an empty football but it was surprisingly comfortable around my head. It was well designed, tailored to the head. Maybe not just on me but on the woman anyway.
Eye area was well designed so that nothing pressed my eyes.
There was the same thing in the ears. I thought there were some cups inside the hood that protect the ears and eyes and are filled with some soft and absorbent material.
The nose had its own space and I was able to breathe. Limited but still. With each breath I was able to sense the strong scent of new leather.
There was a clear outer and inner layer on the hood, maybe there was still some damping material in between, it really separated me from the outside world effectively.
That's why the hood looked like empty football when I first saw it.

The object between my teeth was strange, it really locked my jaw. I couldn't move it at all. Oral breathing was strange because there was only a small hole available.
I thought that when I stay calm everything goes well.

I wasn't terrified or scared. I was interested in new things and practices.
I thought again that I had to be really crazy but I was happy that I had these kinds of personalized solutions that I could try.
The committee does a great job of trying and preparing new things for me. I have to be happy and proud of them!

The feeling of happiness and pride quickly went over, it was replaced by frustration.
I don't know how long I was in it.
Was I alone? Did everyone leave the room? Have they left me alone here?
Maybe they were in the room and stayed up to me ... I hope. I do not want anything unfortunate to happen.

I noticed a bad thing in the tooth protector. My tongue went in front of the hole between the teeth and prevented the passage of air. I had to focus on keeping my tongue in the lower part of the mouth, away from the hole, but every time when it happened I was scared when the air was blocked.
It wasn't really serious, I got a little air through my nose but it was still uncomfortable.
I thought what happens at night when I sleep. It was scary to think about it!

When the head is isolated and all senses are gone, it is very difficult to understand the balance of the body.
I had been sitting in good posture for a long time, I do not know the time but it felt long.
My back and abdominal muscles got tired and I felt like I was falling forward.
It was just a feeling I couldn't know for sure. In any case, I automatically tried to correct the position and lean myself backwards.
Immediately I felt like I was falling back too much. As a result, a new correction and eventually I waved like a helicopter, uncontrollably. I no longer knew what the right vertical position was!
The situation was horrible and I was panicking! It didn't help.
However, I tried to calm myself down. I thought if I crash now, I have no problem ... I can't hurt my head because it's inside soft football!

to be continued...

a continuation of the previous writing
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I was like on a carousel even though I didn't move much. It was crazy, I almost feel sick.
I'm already thinking about what happens if I have to vomit ... the end result wouldn't be good.
However, I trusted the fact that they, the Committee and the guards, take care that nothing catastrophic does not happen.
... this is just a test, I thought.

I had to try to stop the swinging somehow, I tried to lean back but it was too scary, the back of the chair was too far away.
I was leaning forward carefully, I didn't care if I hit the table.
My locked feet didn't help at all. The steel-stiffened torso was heavy to move.
Suddenly my slow forward movement stopped, it was limited by something.
I deduced that between my collar and the back of the chair was something, maybe a chain ... or just a rope or a leather strap.
It was a great relief, I couldn't hit the table. I leaned forward and rested, the carousel movement stopped.
Probably I hadn't leaned much forward, but I was able to rest on it. Collar weighed a little in my throat, but I did not care. I was able to breathe well.
I reassured myself, everything is fine. I tried to breathe normally, if it can say so in this case.

Someone touched me on the shoulder, I got scared that because I was so focused on my own dark and dumb world.
I felt like I was helped to my normal sitting position again.
They opened leatherstraps around my hood, It was a great feeling to notice it. It took a while and I felt the lacing behind the hood open.
The hood was already open, I could hear again.
"Keep your eyes closed" the man said and finally the hood was taken off my head. It was awesome, I was able to breathe fresh air again!
I closed my eyes tightly, I could sense the bright light, I didn't want to open my eyes quickly.
"Open your mouth" the man ordered.
I did so, the jaw was a little stuck, but I could do it. Jaw joints were tender.
The man took the tooth guard out of my mouth. I moved my chin slowly. It felt weird, different like after the ballgag.

Finally I opened my eyes, the men were watching me closely.
"What it was like?" the man asked.
"Sir ... it was weird. Like wild riding even though I didn't even move much!" I answered.
"Scary ?, Restrictive ?, Did it hurt you? We want to hear your comment," the man said.
I was confused by his curiosity, though I understood it very well.
I thought for a moment.
"Sir, good things first ... The hood is very beautiful, it's well designed and well made. It's like made for me!" I started "The good thing was that I was able to breathe so well, though the leather aroma is very strong now".
"Bad things ..." I continued "... the tooth protectors are horrible, it forces my lower jaw in the wrong position and produces pain. Also, the hole in it is too small, I can accidentally block it and then I can't breathe through the mouth, it is scary".
The man took the tooth protectors in his hand and looked at them, turned and examined them.
"It is true that the protector force the jaw to a bad position, it is because there must be an air hole between them," he said, "but on the other hand a normal ballgag forces your jaw to open more."
"With a normal ballgag I can breathe better," I thought, "especially if it's not too big, or if it has big holes like my normal nighttime gag. And my tongue can't accidentally block holes."
The man was still looking at the protectors, "We may be able to enlarge the breathing hole a little, it will help ... Maybe we can also make some kind of tongue guard for this same object. It could prevent your tongue from blocking the hole. "
I was horrified, I didn't want any more tools in my mouth. He noticed it.
"A normal ballgag also pushes the tongue down," he said, "with this new device, you don't need a strap on your mouth corners at night. This is progress!"

I thought I might not like this kind progress ....

to be continued...

It's been almost three months when I updated last time in my diary!

Now I can finally break the silence and write something.

First of all a very normal thing ... weather report:
The weather here is very special, has been a long time.
Now the sun shines in the open air and is nearly 10 degrees warm. That's weird because now it should be -20 degrees cold.
Nature is messed up, I saw in the yard how flowers are trying to grow like in spring! I also heard birds singing!
It's sad because I know at some point it's going to be very cold, how about nature when the snow isn't protecting it?
Not everyone is in balance right now. But I know that was the same thing here a hundred years ago, and sometimes in the 70s ... so I have no climate panic. Climate and weather always change from time to time, I think it's normal.

Finnish politicians are confused, they have become madness, they want us to be a model country to save the world from climate change.
I find it amusing, Finland is already producing less emissions than almost all countries. Although if Finland had replaced the empty hole of the world situation does not improve it.

The world is not saved by stopping cars and heating homes in Finland. Crazy ... but that's what they think.
They want to raise taxes so much that people can't use the car anymore. This results in people being unable to work.
Politicians are planning that all residents should live in cities that don't need their own car How stupid are they?

Here was my statement this time, I promise I won't talk much about this anymore.

My life here has almost returned to normal, now when I got back the right to keep a diary of everything feels good!
I have been very limited but I'm still, because of the work, followed world events. I have not been completely isolated for a long time, you may have noticed that I have also updated the forum galleries here.

A doctor's visit is planned for me (also a dentist). It makes me a little nervous.
I don't think there is anything wrong with me, but I'm nervous about the meetings being outside this place.
It is always scary, because I'm already so institutionalized.
It's basically weird. Before I was always eager to get out, but now it's very scary.

I haven't had a steel collar since friday, it's very strange. I now have a leather collar with a lockable chain on the outside, it's not as tight as my normal steel collar.

Basically that's a good thing, but I still feel weird ... I feel like a dog or some other pet.
Steel collar is a sign that tells how I live. In a way, I'm proud of it, it's been part of me for so many years.

I don't know why my collar was changed. I tried to ask, but the guards didn't say anything.
I don't like sudden changes, they make me nervous.

..and finally the weather report: It's finally snowing! the yard was beautiful when I was outdoors.
I think the snow will disappear again soon but for a while I can enjoy it

I have my own steelcollar again.

It was replaced because the committee wanted to protect my neck skin before a medical examination.
I had a slightly looser leather collar for three days, so the steelcollar marks and skin redness disappeared by then.

So I had a doctor's examination today as well as a dentist.

The day was very exciting and different, it took all my energy.
I'll tell you more about it soon, but now I have to rest.

a continuation of the previous writing (Doctor visit)
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On the bed next to me was a smaller plastic bag. It featured the logo of a fashion store, it confused me.
At the same time, the guard released my hand. I slowly moved my hands to my lap, I have to be careful not to misinterpret my movements by the guards. My arms were tired of the strappado position anyway.
"You can look at what's inside the bag," Ilona said with a smile.
I took the bag and looked inside. There were a few packages, unopened packages. I took my first pack and looked ... Calvin Klein bra, nude bralette... like sportbra! The second set featured panties of the same color, the same Calvin Klein series.
I had seen commercials where Bella Hadid dresses in the same lingerie!

I looked at Ilona in astonishment, I couldn't stop the tears coming from my eyes.
"You've had a hard time for a long time," Ilona said and looked at me, "You have been retrained and your practical arrangements have changed a little bit. But you have taken a great attitude and adapted to it, we are proud of you!".
I was completely speechless, I couldn't say anything.
"We want this day to go well, and we want to spoil you a little," Ilona said with a smile, "But you have to understand that this is just the one day ... then everything will return. Security is still normal today."
"You can open packages" she laughed. I noticed that I was completely paralyzed. This was a really big surprise!
I opened the packs, took the bra in my hand and looked at it, smelled it and felt it with my fingers. same for panties.
My normal, everyday lingerie is functional and good quality too but this felt somehow so special.

Ilona nodded to the female guard and the guard came closer and was about to take the bra out of my hand, I was scared and didn't want to let them out!
"The guard will help you put on the bra," Ilona explained.
The security guard took the bra "stand up, face to wall" she ordered.
I got up and moved next to the wall, the wall chain between my collar and the wall is well dimensioned. Legcuffs hobble made a noise on the floor. Same everyday routine.
I slowly moved my hands and let the guard put on my bra.Bralette were fastened on the back.
For some reason everything felt really cool and I felt like something special.
Ilona followed things from behind the net wall. "next panties" she said.
The male guard grabbed the wall chain and the woman opened my legcuffs.
I was now almost without restraints, locked only in collar and wall chain. The man was ready, he could pull me down to the floor immediately if needed ... sometimes I used to laugh at that exaggeration but now it's just routine i don't even notice it anymore.
Female guard put the panty protector inside it. She gave them to me and I slowly wear them.
The new panties were very feminine compared to my normal panties. They weren't super sexy, they were well functioning normal panties but they still felt awesome!
I noticed that my breathing had accelerated.

Ilona followed me with interest "then in tights" she say.
The guard took the package and opened it, she gave it to me.
I haven't used tights for years, I was already eager to wear them!
They felt so good! They were pretty tight, even hard to wear but it gave a great feeling.
The woman took something out of a big bag hanging on the wall. Warm beige, buttoned blouse. It was a beautifully descending, fashionable creation.
Ilona looked at me and blouse "That is my shirt, I bought it from Italy. It's brand new and I hope you wear it carefully" she smiled "It's maybe a little too big for you but its a loose cut and looks good on you too".
The guard helped me put on the shirt. It was a dream light.

"Next comes the surprise," Ilona said happily, "You get to borrow my leather pants! As you know, I have a number of them, and I noticed how you always admire them. Today, you can experience self at their comfort".
Oh my ...! I was happy that I had panty protection, I might have released a few drops because I was so excited!
"Again ..." Ilona said, "they are my pants so they are a little loose you but the design is such that it is not a problem."
I put on leather pants, the inside lining of the pants glided nicely against the surface of the pantyhose.
Already it was very, very exciting!
The leather pants were, as Ilona said, tailored loose. They had a high waist, a fixed belt at the waist.  They were very classically feminine. The ankles had straps that tightened around the ankle. I had seen such fashion images.
These leather pants were almost the latest fashion!
I felt like something ... special!
As I moved my legs, I could feel the leather movement on my skin, I heard the sound of it. It excited me tremendously.
I was close to orgasm, didn't even dare to move much. I was already afraid of what would happen if I tried to walk!

I saw how the female guard looked at me. She was jealous, she was already jealous of my leather skirts and coat. How jealous is she now?
I don't know what she gets paid for, but I know she can never afford such clothes. It felt awesome!

The woman took the handcuffs, locked my hands behind my back and directed me to sit on the edge of the bed again.
She took out socks and shoes from the bag, shoes were trendy ankle boots, black with a low heel, maybe 4-5 cm, very chick.
I let her put them on my feet, I felt like a queen.
The female guard locked the legcuffs in my left leg, then she mounted the connectorchain big O-ring to hobblechain and locked the right leg cuff.
After that male guard released his hand on my collar chain.

The guard would push me lightly when I knew I had to get up.
Woman removed my left handcuff and moved my hands in front of me. She installed the connectorchain to handcuffs and locked it in my wrist again.
Connectorchain is sized so that when I hold my hands down, the chain is between my ankles. I can walk and stand normally, but I cannot lift my hands as very little.
As I sit down, I can lift my hands up and even touch my face if I want to.
The male removed my collarchain and they led me out of the cell.
Ilona looked at me with satisfaction "You look very businesslike, next we eat breakfast and do something for your hair".
We moved to the lobby, there was already a tray on the table with my breakfast.
I was brought to the chair, my hobble locked to the floor / chair, collar locked to the chair chain. Finally, a wide leather belt was fastened to my waist and locked behind the chair.
The woman took my handcuffs off and locked the connectorchain on the table.
I was very secured but my hands were free so I could eat.

Breakfast was very normal, juice, water, bread and salad / vegetables, a cup of tea.
Ilona sat across the table looking at me. She drank coffee quietly.
I had great trouble getting calm. New clothes and especially leather pants made me excited.
"I see you like your new clothes "Ilona smiled" your cheeks shine with enthusiasm ".
She was certainly right.
"Eat and enjoy breakfast in peace, we are in no hurry," she said.
After breakfast, we move to the car, the doctors are near Helsinki so the drive is about 50 minutes, " she explained. After the dentist, you still have an appointment at a nearby hotel. It doesn't take much time. "
Everything else was clear to me but I didn't understand what the appointment I was having, I was confused and Ilona saw it.
"You don't have to be excited about meeting, You meet two people who are interested in your life " Ilona explained " one of them is a psychology student, she wants to specialize in prison psychology. The other person is her professor / teacher. The student would like to make a thesis about you. They want to make sure you are the right and genuine person. "
I didn't know what I was thinking about this ... It was a little weird.
I rarely meet new people, there are many today. It felt a little scary.
And thesis about me ... as if I were some research animal!
I told Ilona my thoughts.

"You don't have to worry about the student "Ilona said" she is not interested in your daily life or your routines. She wants to study how you ended up in this life.
She is interested in your childhood, your bondage- and prison thoughts back then. She's is also interested in how all the violence and crimes you encountered affected you ... and of course why you have chosen such a life now".
I was very anxious now. I didn't like the idea. Also, I wondered how a single meeting can deal with such a big deal. I told Ilona it.
"This is just an introductory meeting" Ilona smiled "Then you decide whether you want to do it and the communication is done over the network, so no appointments. If you don't want to do it, no one will force you to do it. You decide."
I had already eaten breakfast. Ilona got up and came behind me. She put my hair on a ponytail. It felt good, she had no gloves.
I don't even remember when someone touched me without gloves ...

to be continued...

a continuation of the previous writing (Doctor visit)
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The guards sat in the front seats of the car, the man in the driver's seat and the woman sitting next to him.
The garage door opened and the car drove backwards out of the garage.
I was excited, it was always nice to get out of the house. Of course, I am every day of my outdoor recreation time, but it's different. From the yard I can see only the fence and the distant trees in the woods ... and then my movement is very restricted.
Of course, I'm now strongly restricted also now but still this is different. A moving car allows me to see a lot of things around me.
To outsiders, if someone looked at me, I would be like any normal person, not a max secured prisoner.
We drove a narrow little road, the road would soon become bigger. I found it strange to watch the scenery, now it's mid-February, there should be a lot of snow in the ground but now it's not. The lawn is almost green. It's strange.

My seat belt was tight, it pressed against my left shoulder, especially as my hands were forced down. I tried to improve the position but it didn't change. I was very careful that my movements were careful. I had learned something from the last time.
"Is everything okay?" Ilona asked. She looked at me and put her hands on my thigh, she had gloves in her hand but it still felt good. Soothing.
"Basically, everything is fine," I replied, "I'm excited about it that I am able to get out. I also understand the importance of all this."
"I am super grateful for the fact that you gave me to wear these beautiful clothes, I do not expect such a surprise!" I said seriously, "But here's a psychic thing that's a bit difficult for me."
Ilona looked at me questioningly.
"Something about my past ..." I tried to explain, "As you know, for a long time I was in a close relationship with a Russian businessman. He pampered me with luxury items, expensive clothes and goods. With clothes like this. He knew I liked them, he imagined that when he gave me all this, I would do whatever he wanted. "
I was silent for a long time and thought, remembered things.
"He said that every Russian man's duty is to pamper the beautiful wife, I was not his wife, but I was in his women.  He owned me".  I told more  "boots and shoes from Europe, leather clothing and other luxury items around the world ... nothing was impossible. I never asked for anything, but he gave me more and more ... He imagined I liked it all."
I laughed bitterly "It's true that I liked them, I was stupid ... I didn't realize that everything would have a very high price".

Ilona listened to me quietly, I felt tears run out of me.
"Then came the time when I had to pay him all," I said quietly. "He forced me to commit crimes, he forced me to do it. When I tried to resist, they repeatedly beat me mentally and physically. They threatened to do harm to my loved ones. They blackmailed me and crushed my mind ".
"You know all that "I looked at Ilona" In the end, you and the Committee, saved me from hell. "
Ilona was shocked.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I do not think about it from that point of view! We were supposed to make you memorable day, reward you".
"I know" I said "All this is awesome and unexpected, you wouldn't have known what was going on in my injured mind."
Now, I already smiled "...and I enjoyed every minute of it now, I have already forgotten the unpleasant things!"
Ilona clenched my thigh with her hand, the touch felt good, especially after the emotional rush.
"One more thing," Ilona said, "This is the stupid thing I not thought of earlier ... The doctor's office is in the same area as the office where you were forced to work."
She looked at me with concern.
I already laughed "no harm, nothing can upset me anymore, I know you protect me!"

to be continued...

a continuation of the previous writing (Doctor visit)
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We drove quietly back to another parking lot. The car was very quiet. My reaction may have surprised everyone. I shake quietly, I too was surprised at how strongly I felt.
Ilona held her hand on my thigh, patting it soothingly. She took a paper handkerchief from her handbag. Then she held out her hand, facing the guards, and asked for the handcuffs key.
"I'm doing something special now," Ilona said, "I'll open your handcuffs, you'll get your hands free for a moment. You can dry your face and calm down."
She opened my handcuffs and took them off. I raised my hands a little higher, slowly and calmly.
She gave me a handkerchief. I still had stiff gloves on my hands. She did not take them off, I did not expect it, already  handcuffs removal was surprising.
I held the handkerchief clumsily between my hands. I needed both hands because my fingers were stiffened. I tried to dry my cheeks and eyes but I was very clumsy and helpless.
Finally Ilona helped me, she gently wiped my face.
"Good thing I'm not using makeup" I was trying to lighten the mood "if it was done to me it would be a mess now."
"So even someone decision is working today..." Ilona smiled.
"Do you want some water?" she asked and opened a bottle of water.
I  tried to take it between my hands but it was very difficult, I did not dare to squeeze it in the right way. I was afraid the bottle would drop and water me.
Gloves made drinking impossible.
In the end, Ilona took the bottle and tilted it in my mouth, I drank it gratefully. Crying makes me thirsty.

"The big moment is coming," Ilona said seriously.
  A male guard got out of the car. I thought we would all do it but he just came to open my legcuffs. He went back to the driver's seat and quietly drove to the front door of the building.
I was basically free of restrictions! Only the seat belt held me. It was a very shaking feeling.
"The three of us now get out of the car, you wait calmly until we are at the car door, then we open your door and you come out without drama," Ilona explained. "We walk together into the lobby of the building.
There we wait that driver to come with us as well"
."We go straight to the elevator and climb to the right floor. I'll take care of the registration, you and the guards will go straight to the ladies' room. There, the guard takes off your gloves and you can do your thing if it is necessary, I recommend it  "Ilona explained exactly" Did you understand everything? "
I nodded tensely, I felt nervous.

Ilona and the female security guard got out of the car and moved next to the car, near my door.
The security guard opened the door, I sidled to the bench and waited for the security guard to help me stand. It was a bit amusing, I acted as if I still had my steel restraints.
Finally we moved into the hall, the lobby of the building. My escorts were very close to me. It may have seemed weird if someone was watching us, but on the other hand, the viewer might think I had some physical disability and needed some mobility support.
In the lobby, we moved near the wall to wait for the driver.
"You don't have to walk so slowly now," Ilona said, "you walk like you had a short hobblechain between your legs. Also, you hold your hands as if they were handcuffed and locked to waistchain in front of you. It's not necessary now. Try to look normal."
I was astonished. I hadn't thought about the whole thing. Moving in restraints is normal for me, it has been so for many years.
"I try" I said quietly. For some reason I almost whispered. New surroundings, big lobby made me nervous. It was something different than my normal environment, small quiet rooms and cells.

A male security guard entered the lobby and we started walking towards the elevator.
I tried to take normal steps but it felt difficult, I was afraid I would stumble upon my hobblechain even though it didn't exist. I also had problems with my hands ... how do normal people walk? My memory did not have any idea about it!
Inside the elevator, I was looking at me from the big mirror on the wall.
Without a doubt, my clothes were stylish, fashionable and well represent with dignity. I could be so dressed in a fashion show, maybe not as a model but as a front- row guest!
However, I did not feel confident, I was very stressed.
Suddenly, I started to laugh nervously. I looked in the mirror at my hands. My gloves were beautiful, black shiny leather, but I think they looked like unnatural prosthetics, like some cheap movie.  Outside viewer might not think like that, she or he doesn't see anything strange at first glance.
In any case, i felt them as useless as cosmetic prosthetic hands. It was kind of a funny note.
I raised my hand higher but immediately the male guard grabbed me by the arm.
Again, I had forgotten that I was strictly supervised.

to be continued...