MARCH 8, 2014

Update On Permanence

I think I understand very clearly what a ‘normal life’ is like – family, work, hobbies, the things that normal people do. So it is supposed to be, but I think it is also normal that some people live isolated from normal life. People have many different secret thoughts and fantasies. Most people keep it secret, and these ideas usually do not mess up a normal life. I do not know how I went “wrong” – I have always had such a clear idea of what I am. This captive life is natural for me.

My parents knew that I did self bondage in my room when I was a teenager. They could not know how deep I was in bondage and captivity in my thoughts. When they learned these things, it was a shock, of course, and they tried everything possible to convince me to stop. They wanted me to live a normal life like other people. Eventually they had no choice but to adapt to my choice because they love me. After all, this life is more acceptable than the use of hard drugs, or many other things.

My family does not know all of my rules and routines, which is a good thing. They know the main features, and that I have certain chains and rules that I want to follow. It is very strange to them, but they accept it as it is today. They do not have a clue how I really live and how strict all the rules are.

My thoughts about permanent captivity create a lot of mixed feelings. Currently, the Committee make sure that the necessary things for my healthy, wellbeing and happiness are taken care of. This includes visits by my family. I am worried that removing the 3-month rule could change that. With the rule as it stands at the moment, if the Committee made my life too hard and did not look after me, I could choose to give up this life and leave my prison. It is important that I retain that capability, but on the other hand, all of this does not seem real if I have that chance. It would be easier if I had clearly been sentenced to life without the possibility of freedom, or if I was born in this position. Then there would be no need to think about these things.

There are many reasons why I feel this life is right, even necessary, for me. What I am seeking is to feel completely settled in captive life, and to feel that for me there is no alternative to captivity. I have sometimes wondered what my life would be if I were set free. After so many years in captivity it would be very hard. I might dwell in a small apartment, not wanting to go out alone, I’d be hiding inside behind the curtains and waited for someone to come and take me out – someone whom I trust. I would be a burden for them – it would be very sad, and even pathetic, and I would not want to rely on them in that way. I would still want chains and locking arrangements, and the only difference would be that I would have to lock myself the minute I came through the door. It would be very lonely. In some ways this means that my captivity is already permanent, whether inside the prison or out of it.

I want things that help me settle into my new, permanent life and help me develop the right attitudes to life in prison. There have been many ideas discussed, including tattoos and semi-permanent chains. If I have clear signs of what I am, it would be even less possible for me to adjust to a normal life. We have also discussed the idea of having an identification chip implanted under my skin. The committee have told me this can be done quite easily. It would allow the supervisor to know at every moment where I am. I’ve already decided to do these things and only need the consent of the committee to have them done.

One committee member told me of his idea, that I should have much more stringent rules and restraints, so daily life would require more effort and attention, which might help exclude unnecessary thoughts. In his opinion, at the moment I am like a demanding hotel resident – my life is too soft and I have too much time to think. I understand his opinion – to some extent, he’s right.

His ideas include having my hobble chain locked to the floor whenever I’m in one place and making my wall chains so short that I cannot stand up. In addition, he would like me to always wear handcuffs, joined by a long chain that would pass behind my back through a D loop on my waist chain, so every time I move one hand in front or to the side, the other hand would be firmly behind my back. That way I would have to work with one hand. Stricter rules such as this would make it more difficult to do my job, and do many things such as type my story, but maybe they would also help me focus on what I am doing. He also wants to increase my code of conduct. He says I should call them sir / ma’am, only speak when I have permission, etc. – basically they are normal hard discipline rules.

I have also been told of a different control system that could occur in the future. My area would be divided electronically in various sectors. According to a clear timetable, I would have access to the workroom, toilet, my cell, etc. If I was in the wrong place the monitoring unit would give me an electric shock and an alarm would sound. This could mean that I would not need to see guards very often. I do not like this idea at all.

I am not worried about the idea of additional restraints. I can take a lot of physical pain and discomfort, in fact I’m even interested in how a person adapts to the strict constraints. Normal, physical constraints, such as chains and locks are things that I can accept. For me, they are challenges. Also, when someone has physically locked me up, and I know that they will take care of me, and feel that everything is ok. I do not like the idea of this being replaced by an electronic or computer controlled system.

It is true that I cannot make the decisions about such things. In some cases, they will discuss them with me, but they will make the final decision. It cannot be that the prisoner is able to determine these things, I understand this very well. Some of the small things, I hope I am able to influence. For example, I hope that I am able to use leather bracelets under handcuffs and ankle cuffs. They help when the hands and feet are limited to very short movements because they stop the cuffs pressing against the skin. If they decide to change something, it does not have to be permanent. A trial period might be possible, and it is true that a person can adapt to a variety of restrictions.

Last weekend the committee trialled some of their ideas about enhanced physical restraints and stricter discipline. It was like a long interrogation session, I was sitting in a chair, and my waist chain was locked to it. My ankle hobble was locked to the floor, and between the hobble and waist chain was a short chain so I could not stand up. Most of the time I had my hands locked behind the back, and I had a chain leash locked to my collar all the time.

In addition, they told me that my behaviour needed to be more formal, that I must speak respectfully, provide an answer when asked and only talk when given permission. There were a lot of little things which I would have to get used to if the arrangement becomes normal practice. It did not seem so bad though. After habituation, I could accept it. It certainly would not be comfortable, especially at first, but in the sense that in doing this they are taking care of me, it brings me pleasure.

At the same time I have also been thinking about the social aspects of my future. I have already come to terms with the idea that my contact with ‘normal’ life will be reduced even further in the future. It is perhaps better that way – then I do not always have to explain to my life and my choices. Still, I need to have friends and speak with my family. One idea that could help this is if I am allowed to speak to people via video link on the internet (e.g. on skype). This would mean that people would not have the discomfort of seeing my restraints. It could also mean that I could be held anywhere and speak to people wherever they are.

Video communication, and increased rules and restraints, would probably lead to greater institutionalization, which would help me settle deeper into this life. My life and my relationship with the committee is very stable, the only thing that has cast a shadow over the future is that I need to at some point move to another place, and one member of the Committee will probably change to a new one. These things are very natural but still they cause stress for me. It is true that because I have been so long in the same place and routine, moving scares me, but maybe I’ll be lucky and things will change for the better! The timeframe for these changes I do not have any knowledge of – maybe I’ll be here for years.

Comment today

I mention in this scripture that my parents and family have no knowledge of how I live.
It has been different for a long time, many years. Eventually, I told them everything about my daily life.
They were shocked and couldn’t understand why I was living that way. I think they still don’t understand it but they accept it now. It is love and respect for another’s life.

I also talked about the first tightenings in my daily life.
Afterwards, I think it was all a test for me, the Committee wanted to see if I was serious or if I wanted to use the three-month option and thus end everything.

The plan for automatic electronic control sectors has also not been implemented, which I think is a good thing.
It's thought terrified me even though it technically interested me on some level.

Over the years, video communication has been left out almost entirely.
I communicate by writing and viewing pictures.
It’s a better way because it prevents spontaneous reactions in live video.
When I write, I have time to think about what I say.

Last edited by Miisa Karlsson (2020-05-25 18:44:27)

Your questions are welcome.
I feel like you understand me maybe better than people in general.
Our conversation and your questions make my mind work even better than a conversation with a psychiatry student ... she gives challenges to me but my world is very foreign to her.
And I want to keep these conversations public, my secret dream is to make people understand me

That romantic time with the guard was a great time, like a fairy tale ... and the fairy tales always end somehow.
In this case, the thing was that he also wanted a "normal" life, a normal wife and children. Ordinary family life.
He can't live that way with a tightly locked prisoner. He could not commit to me perfectly, and so for him consisted of a normal relationship with a woman who is not in this lifestyle.
Understandably, that woman didn’t accept me so the man had to change her lifestyle. He resigned from the Committee and eventually sold the place where I lived.
I moved to another place and never heard of him again.

I will talk about this lightly in these writings as well.

How I feel about these happens... Basically, it was clear to me from the beginning that it would not continue forever. It just happened at that moment, or over a long period of time.
Although I am a realist, I believed it for a moment, and that's why it was disappointing to me in the end.
... I would have been a good wife locked inside a prison but it wasn’t enough for him and I couldn’t offer more.

So I closed that fairy tale book and focused on living without love

Someone may ask that why I didn’t try to use the 3 month rule then but I think it would have been useless.
He wanted a completely normal life, a normal relationship, I couldn’t offer it.

Adapting to a time without him was helped by the fact that I moved to a new place and had to learn a lot of new things and routines in daily life.

The idea of meeting the family physically is not good. We have tried it. It leaves long lasting scars on everyone.
My mom doesn’t want to see me in restraints and under safety rules. She refuses to do that. My brother visits here maybe once a year and that’s ok for him.
My friend of mine is really the only thing that does not trouble her, it is natural even though she is not inside this life.

Clothing with permanent restraints is basically not a problem.
Skirts are easy to wear, including dresses without sleeves, instead of a jacket a cloak etc. "poncho" ... Underwear is also possible.
There are also pants with zippers all the way from top to bottom, on the outside or inside of legs. There are many possibilities.

It is interesting that you also raised the idea of security. You think the same way as the Committee.

The zippers can be locked or they can replace the cord lacing or Velcro (as msh mentioned). Of course, the cord should be such that it would not be detached, I think.

I have experience here of a tight shirt that was locked over my corset, the corset couldn’t be loosened or taken off because the shirt hid it.
The shirt was so tight and designed so that it prevented my hands from moving somewhat, e.g. I couldn’t raise my hands high.
It was a kind of tight straitjacket that, however, allowed me to work. A very nasty and even torturous garment.

I have experiences with locked clothes from before prison.
The man I lived with (... a lot of bad experiences) liked that I had lockable clothes, it was part of his controlling desires. He commissioned me leather outfits with the option of locks so I couldn’t take off without her permission. Skirts, pants, dresses, shirts, even boots and shoes.
... Back then, it was new, fascinating and flattering to me, I liked the idea of being controlled that way too. Things were still fine then, I did not understand everything yet at the time.
Stupid me...

MARCH 26, 2014

Restraints trial update – two weeks
The trial of increased restraints and rules has now been going for more than two weeks. It will continue for at least another week, and I presume after that time the Committee will decide which restraints and rules they would like to keep for the longer term.

The trial to date has not been too difficult. The changes are still so new and I am still very aware of them, but I feel that I can take on the challenge. In time, when I do not have to focus on them, they will become normal routine. I do feel this is possible. I also have a feeling that because of the new rules the Committee are thinking about me more, the security guard does things for me and it feels strangely good.

There are a few things that have caused minor problems. The shortened hobble chain is not a major obstacle, but having the hobble chain directly connected to the floor was a problem.   I’m used to being able to move around a little bit, now that was blocked from me. It affects me a lot mentally. Physically, there have also been problems from my feet being so closely connected to the floor so I could hardly move my feet at all. The chair tether stops me standing up, so I am forced to sit in exactly the same way all the time. Sometimes I have found my legs have been numb after sitting this way for long periods, unable to move my feet. Also, when I sat in the lower, comfortable chair in my living room the floor chain placed pressure on my ankles, making them sore.

As this is a trial, the Committee are paying close attention to my complaints about these things, and on the weekend (the 2 week mark of my trial) they changed the floor mounting rule. My hobble chain is now connected to the floor by a 30 cm long chain. I am happy about this – it makes a very big difference. Mentally, I still know I cannot move anywhere, but I can move my legs enough that I can sit comfortably for long periods of time.

Another problem has been that the back chain pulls down on the back of the collar so it presses on my neck. The rear chain is not heavy but still it has enough weight to change the position of the collar so that it bothers me and if I forget and bend forward it presses harder on my neck. I cannot put any padding under it because there is no room, and also because I do not have anything to use. Sometimes I used to use a thin scarf (where the skin was a problem with normal wear of the collar in the past), but when the max security rules were introduced I could no longer use scarves.

Last week I asked if I could start wearing a corset. This is something I have been interested in for some time. The Committee said that this was possible, but told me my corsets must have shoulder straps added to them. They are of the opinion that because I am sitting almost all the time, the corset will enforce a good posture to prevent problems. I had complained to the Committee about the back chain problem, and in response, the committee told me that when I use a corset, it will hold me in such a way that I cannot bend forward and therefore cause the collar to press on my neck. Therefore they have told me that the back chain will stay there and the length will not be changed.

The Committee have added another measure to my trial. They have decided that my clothes need to be marked with a clear, wide vertical stripe down the side. This new provision has been carried out over the past week. Almost all of my clothes were taken so that the stripes can be sewn on. I do not like this, it is contrary to human dignity, but on the other hand, it is better than wearing a uniform.

On Monday my clothing was returned to me. The skirts have a vertical stripe skirts and the other clothes have a large label with the word “prisoner” on them. I was quite shocked by this change, even though I knew it would be introduced. Being labelled in this way affected to me a surprising amount. My first thought was that I was glad no one can see me, and that I did not want anyone close to me or anyone to see me. Over time, I am sure I will get used to it.

This is, in a way, a trial of how I might react to having tattoos marking me as a prisoner, as has been discussed with the committee.  It is part of reminding the prisoner that she must be isolated from normal life. This all sounds very cruel but it is a way to get the prisoner to understand that she has no chance to return to a normal life.

The other addition on Monday was the corset. One of my committee members made it, and she did a very good job. It is an overbust model, and has wide and comfortable elastic shoulders straps, which hold my shoulders back and really help me keep in the upright position required by the back chain. My collar is no longer a problem because I am always in the correct posture and because in the back of the corset there is a tab which can be used to attach the chain, taking the weight of the chain off my neck. The bottom of the corset is designed so that I can sit comfortably.

On the back, above the belt line is a small box that holds the laces, so that I cannot undo the knot. So even though this was a suggestion I made to the committee, it has now become another thing I cannot remove. It feels like a big hug.

Comment today

I remember very well the marking of the clothes, It was very humiliating and felt humiliating ... but like I said, it didn’t matter because no outsider could see me.
That practice did not exist for a long time.

Corset I have been using for six years now, it has been a very long time, but it is a part of almost every day of my life